Chapter 6
Early morning, Zhen En is already knocking on the door, wearing a rose pink dress and clutching the bridal bouquet in her hands. After excitedly thrusting the bouquet into Xiao Cheng’s hands and twirling around in the living room to show off her dress, one would think that she is the lucky bride as opposed to the calmly smiling Xia Mo who is currently sitting down on the couch.
“Sister Zhen En is very pretty; your dress too!”
After carefully placing the bouquet down on the table, Xiao Cheng enthusiastically nods his head in affirmation, happiness in his heart blossoming like the flowers. Sister is getting married today. Although he is a little saddened that she is marrying and that she will one day have someone more important than him in her life, but Sister will be able to have her own family with her own kids one day. This should be the happiest day in Sister’s life.
“Ou Chen ordered the dress and also booked the makeup artist. Xia Mo, Ou Chen really spoils you and doesn’t want you to trouble yourself at all! He even took care of all the wedding details himself! Even Pan Nan’s bridesmaid dress… Haha, you’ll know once you see it!”
The morning sun reflects off Xia Mo’s face, illuminating the whiteness of her skin. Her smile is peaceful as she quietly listens to Zhen En’s excited chattering.
“Xia Mo…” Zhen En sits down next to Xia Mo and clutches her hand. “You will be happy, you definitely will be happy! Ou Chen loves you so much, he can easily place the entire world at your feet! Oh yeah, do you know that that awful magazine tabloid [Reporter Liu's] has been bought by Ou Hua Corporations? And Ou Hua Corporations is now a major shareholder for Hua Jin’s? So now you don’t ever have to worry about them saying negative things about you! Today’s wedding will be extremely, extremely successful!”
Xia Mo is startled. She doesn’t really care about the business with the media but Zhen En’s obvious exuberance causes her hand to stiffen nervously.
“Zhen En…”
“You have to be happy! You will be happy! Xia Mo… really, you will be happy, you didn’t choose wrong, you will be the world’s happiest woman!” Zhen En vehemently tries to convince herself; yes, Xia Mo has always made the right choice – this time won’t be any different! However, she cannot contain the sudden tears that fall from her eyes and she dips her head down in embarrassment.
“Sister Zhen En!”
Rushing over with a handkerchief, Xiao Cheng feels his heart sour a little at Zhen En’s tears. Laughing quickly, he thanks her for buying the flowers as now there is no need for him to make an extra trip.
“I will.” Xia Mo grasps Zhen En’s hand reassuringly. “Everything will be all right. I won’t regret it. Don’t worry; I will also try very hard… to be happy…”
Laughing and crying at the same time, Zhen En nods her head emphatically. “Ah, I’m so silly… My make up, my make up must be a wreck!”
It is during this moment of happiness and sweet bitterness that Pan Nan finally arrives.
It is just as Zhen En said; Pan Nan’s bridesmaid outfit is definitely worth another glance. Since she has never been a fan of the color pink or dresses in general, Ou Chen’s commissioned designer especially created a bridesmaid outfit for her that was not only unique but also carried a slightly masculine air. White cuff linings to a tight, pink doublet that is stitched with link pink silken threads over a pair of white, form-fitting pants and white boots. The final look is as handsome as a boy but yet still carrying a young girl’s daintiness.
Pan Nan enters with none of Zhen En’s tears and sobbing, and after giving her congratulations, begins to help Xia Mo get into her wedding dress. Zhen En rushes to help her after fixing her tear-stained makeup.
The morning sunlight is as transparent as a crystal. Already wearing the snow-white dress, Xia Mo quietly sits in the bedroom in front of the vanity mirror, the sunlight’s glow illuminating her translucent skin. Pan Nan gently does her hair, while Zhen En brushes blush onto her cheeks. Pan Nan picks the most fitting pair of shoes out of the dozens that Ou Chen had bought for Xia Mo while Zhen En places the crown of flowers gently on top of her head.
Quietly, Xia Mo sits in front of the vanity mirror.
“So beautiful…”
Zhen En breathes in awe as she stares at Xia Mo, looking like the goddess from the heaven’s legends. Pan Nan also watches Xia Mo. She doesn’t know why Xia Mo has suddenly decided to marry Ou Chen and doesn’t know what happened with her and Luo Xi. She had once asked Xia Mo, who had only responded after a long moment’s time that this is her decision.
Even though she is saddened by the fact that ultimately, she and Luo Xi were not able to be together, and had hoped that they would be able to move past whatever had happened – Xia Mo is still her friend and she will respect whatever decision she makes.
Smiling happily at his sister, Xiao Cheng hands over the bridal bouquet to Xia Mo.
“Sister, I wish you happiness.”
*******
A long, white limousine waits on the street while its formally-dressed driver waits patiently next to it.
The interior of the car is extremely spacious. Pan Nan and Zhen En sit together on one side, facing Xia Mo and Xiao Cheng. Xia Mo is cradling her bridal bouquet in her lap, a light smile playing on her lips, a peaceful and yet faraway smile. The mood in the car is extremely infectious, Zhen En laughing nonstop, asking Xiao Cheng if he’ll be nervous walking Xia Mo down the aisle… asking Xia Mo where she and Ou Chen are planning on going for their honeymoon and to remember to throw the bouquet towards her at the end of the ceremony…
Shame and guilt not allowing Zhen En to look directly at Xia Mo, only laughing endlessly, her hands dancing in the air as she speaks… She doesn’t dare to allow herself to stop, doesn’t dare to have a second of silence crush the mood. Xia Mo will be happy, everyone will be happy, everything will be all right!
The car suddenly lurches to a stop!
The four girls swivel their hands to try to see what is happening and then hear the driver honk a few times. After a few moments, he honks again, as if wanting the other car to move aside. Craning her neck to get a better view, Zhen En sees through the glass window the car that is currently blocking the road and then a very familiar silhouette! Her mouth falling wide open, she turns to look at Xia Mo.
“He really came…”
Starting directly at that person, Pan Nan cannot tell what exactly she is feeling. Last night she had been really worried about Luo Xi and unable to stand it any longer, finally calling him. When the call had gone through, the hoarseness and weakness of his voice had stiffened her. And so in a moment of rashness, she had told him the location of Xia Mo’s wedding ceremony. This is the last chance… the last chance of these two people…
The winds increase, causing the branches and leaves of the nearby trees to whip around crazily.
The golden yellow of the leaves, the peacefulness of the road, the white BMW parked on the street… Luo Xi quietly standing there. It is as if he has been there a long, long time already.
The bridal bouquet quietly lays in Xia Mo’s arms, her face now even whiter than the whitest of the flower buds as she stares at that person. They could have been separated by mountains and waters. Tensing as she sits up straight, her fingers unconsciously clenching at the ribbon that is tied around her bouquet.
*******
The peacefulness of the wedding chapel.
The sunlight shines through the stained glass windows, creating a picture of dancing rainbows. The wedding guests are all congregated outside; only Ou Chen stands alone in the vastly empty chapel.
He is wearing a sharp, black tuxedo as he is lost in thought.
A second passes before Ou Chen slowly turns around, his gaze roving past every empty seat until falling on the entrance to the chapel, his chest filled with a sudden warmth. Today she will be wearing a snow-white dress and walking towards him… from now on her name will be linked forever to his… she will be his bride.
*******
In the car, Pan Nan lets out a breath; she only wants Xia Mo to truly know what it is that she wants. However, there is fear on Zhen En’s face as she first looks at Xia Mo and then Xiao Cheng, and seeing the sudden whiteness on his face, her heart further constricts.
“Sister…” Xiao Cheng nervously looks at his sister, not knowing whether or not Brother Luo Xi’s appearance will ruin Sister’s wedding.
Sitting still for a moment, Xia Mo then places the bouquet down next to her. Her hands clutching tightly at each other for a few seconds and then loosening one to reach for the car door.
“Xia Mo!” Zhen En rushes to grab Xia Mo back but is stopped by Pan Nan.
“Give her one more chance to consider!”
As the strong winds turn the frigid, Xia Mo steps out of the rose-covered white car, her veil and dress following the fluttering of the winds. Luo Xi is wearing a white formal wear, and as he watches her walking towards him, his body stiffens, becoming even more and more nervous. She walks very slowly towards him, as if it is a scene shot in a movie, enthroned by the sunlight, this innocent bride, as she comes ever closer to him.
“What are you doing here again?”
“Yes… what am I doing here again… Can I beg you to not marry him… But… you’re so cool and composed… you would never change on my account… Xia Mo, what can I do… if for me, will you not marry Ou Chen?”
Even knowing that it’s impossible, Luo Xi stares deep into Xia Mo’s eyes, looking for that sliver of hope… and yet, there is no light at all in her eyes…
“… I know you won’t, even knowing how much pain I’m in, you still won’t give in. That’s who you are, Xia Mo; I know you too well. Your heart is made out of the world’s toughest thing and I can’t meld you…”
Her heart is frozen with pain, encased in ice and being cut piece by piece, every piece covered in blood! And yet the more pain she is in, the clearer she becomes.
“Yes, I am exactly that kind of a person, cold and emotionless, anyone would be better than me… Did you come here just to say these things to me?”
“I’m here to ask you to marry me.”
“What?”
Xia Mo cannot believe her ears as she stares at him out of the corner of her eyes, unable to look directly at him.
“I came, before you are about to marry him, to ask you to marry me.”
Grabbing onto her wrist, Luo Xi suddenly pulls her towards him! His eyes fathomless black pearls, a bittersweet smile playing on his ashen white lips. Enfolded in his arms and surrounded by his warmth, Xia Mo can only look hopelessly around her…
That life… does not belong to her…
Biting her lip painfully, she pushes him away with all her might.
“Have you lost your mind?”
“Probably… Xia Mo, I wasn’t originally going to come because I know… I would just be a glutton for punishment… But, I had a dream last night… I dreamt… that I died…”
The sunlight is so bright that it is blinding. As the wind blows Xia Mo’s wedding dress in the air, he watches her, her face whiter than the white of her dress, and he suddenly feels one last rush of courage in his chest.
“I was thinking, that before I died, I have to do everything that I want to do… Do you know… a long, long time ago, I wanted to ask you to marry me…”
“What nonsense are you talking about… Why would you die…”
Her heartbeat begins to race, and she steels herself to calm it back down. No, he wouldn’t… he’s just scaring her…
“Why wouldn’t I? If there’s nothing else left in this world for me to care about… then why not just die…”
Zhen En is anxiously pressed up against the car window; she cannot hear their conversation and she cannot see the expression on Xia Mo’s face. Will Xia Mo… do what what they do in the movies and just run away right before the wedding ceremony…
Zhen En again tries to grab for the door handle and yet again is stopped by Pan Nan. “Isn’t it better to at least let her think through her choice?”
“No! Xia Mo is getting married today, all the guests have been notified and everything is prepared! If Xia Mo runs away, then… then…” Xiao Cheng’s surgery… what are they going to do…
Doesn’t Ou Chen love Xia Mo too? Being with Ou Chen, will make Xia Mo happy… Then it is the happiness of three people; Ou Chen, Xiao Cheng and Xia Mo all together will be happy… If Xia Mo rashly gives up her wedding to Ou Chen and chooses to be with Luo Xi but then Xiao Cheng ends up dying, how will she be happy?! That will be everyone’s tragedy!!
“Sister Zhen En… As long as Sister is happy, it doesn’t matter if she calls off the wedding. As long as she can live happily, nothing else matters…”
In a haze of horror and confusion, Xia Mo tightly closes her eyes, clenching at her hands. A few moments pass before she opens her eyes again, staring straight at him.
“You’re threatening me.”
Really? Is he threatening her? Luo Xi mentally asks himself; is he so desperate to get her back that he has resorted to such despicable methods?
“If you think so… then yes…”
“Unfortunately, it won’t work.”
In the cold, bitter wind, her voice is like a biting and sharp needle.
“Because… I love him. I love Ou Chen.”
She repeats it again, in case he wasn’t able to hear it the first time, staring into his widened eyes, the blood fast draining from his already sallow face. She continues to clench her hands in a death grip.
“I misunderstood him in the past. I once thought that he was the one who caused the car accident from six years ago, had thought that it was him who took our home away, forcing me and Xiao Cheng out into the streets. So I hated him and promised myself that I would forget him and never forgive him.” Pause. “But then I later realized, that it was all a misunderstanding and had nothing to do with him. I was wrong in blaming him and the feelings from the past… they still exist…”
He should hate her… and then forget her… Let her suffer the consequences of her punishment and allow him to leave her shadow… he will have a much better life then…
“You’re lying!” The hand that is still holding onto hers has suddenly turned ice cold and he reflexively lets go, stepping away from her in shock. “Impossible… You’re lying to me… Even though I don’t know why you’re marrying him… But the one you love is me! No matter if it was six years ago or now, the one you love is me. You’ve never loved him! Why… why are you lying to me…”
“Why do you keep coming back to look for me?! Do you think… do you think that I haven’t hurt you enough already?! Do you really want to hear me say such cruel words to you before you’ll finally realize the truth?! Don’t forget that I once warned you, don’t fall in love with me…”
“You’re lying… right…”
The light dims in Luo Xi’s eyes as he stares at Xia Mo desperately.
“You once said… the one you like is me… you once said… forever loyal… neither person will ever leave the other… was everything… just a lie…”
Xia Mo cannot say anything at all. The pain in her chest causing complete darkness in front of her eyes and fog in her ears… She must be close to dying now…
“Are you really… so uncaring… Even… not bothering to give me a paltry excuse…”
“I’m sorry…”
He should hate her… and then forget her… And then start a new life. As long as it doesn’t have her, he will be happy…
“Even if I disappear from this world in the next second… you still will unhesitatingly marry him…”
“Luo Xi!”
“Are you scared…”
Luo Xi avoids Xia Mo’s outstretched hand as a bitter smile plays on his lips, as he turns away from her.
“But don’t worry… you’re not worth me dying… This world is so beautiful… I will live happily ever after… and will see if you later do regret…”
The sunlight is blinding. His back is facing her, a lonely shadow. And slowly, he walks away from her.
The wind is unnaturally rampant that day as her wedding dress flutters rapidly with the gust.
“I… will not wish you happiness…”
*******
“Sister…”
Xiao Cheng has stepped out from the car, coming over to gently support Xia Mo. He worriedly glances over towards Luo Xi’s fast departing car and then glances back at his sister. The paleness of her face instantly scares him and he quickly places an arm around her shoulders.
“Sister, if you can’t let go of Brother Luo Xi, then let’s not go to the chapel! I’ll explain everything to Brother Ou Chen and tell him that you’re not feeling well or just say that you need a little more time to consider… Sister…”
“I’m fine…”
Her voice comes out hoarse and weak. Expanding a great effort to compose herself, Xia Mo is finally able to paste a small smile on her face for Xiao Cheng. When they step back into the car, Zhen En looks as if she wants to ask something but then ultimately decides not to say anything at all. Pan Nan’s heart is heavy, knowing that the instant she saw Luo Xi leave, that there was no going back.
*******
The wedding chapel.
The lavishly-dressed guests have begun to enter the chapel, which is infused by the entering sunlight, creating splashes of rainbow color everywhere it hits. Smiling and laughing, the guests each shake Ou Chen’s hand at the entrance, congratulating the lucky groom.
There are not a lot of people invited to the wedding, the majority of the guests being long-time friends or acquaintances of Ou Hua Corporations and just a few close friends of Xia Mo’s from the entertainment industry. Even fewer are Xiao Cheng’s classmates. The ceremony has been closed to all paparazzi, with security closing off all roads to the chapel to ensure that the wedding ceremony is not disrupted.
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
“We wish you and Miss Yin a happy marriage.”
“Thank you.”
“We wish you both many years of happiness.”
“Thank you.”
Every guest is taken by surprise as they greet Ou Chen, whose blatant happiness is so very transparent, his typical cool composure completely transformed by warmth. He is unable to contain the happiness in his smile and remains oblivious to the curious stares directed at him from his guests. Even though all he hears are simple wishes of congratulations, there is a burst of warmth in his chest every time. When there are no more guests waiting to be greeted, his gaze unconsciously moves towards the aisle in front of him…
It turns out… that happiness could be this sweet…
The torrential winds from before have significantly calmed down.
Ou Chen looks towards the road that leads to the chapel.
She — wearing her wedding dress, walking towards him, as they step into the chapel together…
*******
The white BMW races recklessly down the road! Luo Xi sits there in a daze. He suddenly has no idea where he should be going; nowhere belongs to him, nowhere needs him. His eyes are blank as blackness dances before him; where should he go… the world is empty… only he is pointless…
*******
Xia Mo sits quietly in the car as Zhen En and Xiao Cheng laugh together over some silly joke. The sunlight cuts through the window, momentarily piercing her eye and so she slowly closes them.
*******
The white limousine slowly turns around the corner — Ou Chen’s body suddenly straightens, as if enchanted by a spell! He unsteadily draws in a deep breath, his green eyes suddenly darkening.
The wind gently blows.
As the car comes closer, Ou Chen steadily makes his way towards it. When the car finally comes to a stop, Ou Chen is already there, waiting. The romantic and gentle music from the chapel can be heard drifting softly through the air.
The driver quickly steps out to open the door — Ou Chen holds out his right hand.
A slender, white hand appears from the car and lightly drops onto his hand. As Ou Chen watches, his own hand firmly grips that hand in return.
Xia Mo exits from the car, slowly lifting her head towards the sunlight, her eyes halfway closed as if not used to such direct light. From afar, the guests gasp in awe to see such an innocent and fairy-like Xia Mo and even the butterflies forget to dance.
Ou Chen stares deeply into Xia Mo’s eyes. And then suddenly — he pulls her in tightly towards him, enfolding her in his warmth.
The guests laugh lightly in delight, watching the formally-dressed Ou Chen walk with Xia Mo held closely by his side. She raises her head to look up at him. He watches her in return as they walk together towards the chapel, his happiness like a child’s delight, the sudden smile on his face threatening to split it wide open as they walk together towards the chapel.
*******
The door opens wide to darkness.
There is nothing here, no air, no hope – an eternal nightmare. Luo Xi walks in woodenly as if in a trance, double-bolting the door and locking himself in after entering. Standing in the living room, he quietly stands there for a long, long time. And then, numbly makes his way towards the bathroom. Turning on the faucet, he watches the warm water stream down into the dark tub.
*******
The bride’s room of the wedding chapel.
Xia Mo quietly sits in front of the vanity table, absently studying her reflection. In front of so many friends and acquaintances, she has been polite and smiling, and slowly, that smile has almost become a permanent part of her face.
“Tired?” Ou Chen looks at her in concern. “Nervous?”
Xia Mo was planning on just lightly laughing as a response, not knowing the proper answer to Ou Chen’s questions but then hears him softly add.
“I’m really nervous.” Pause. “It feels like I’m in a dream; I’m scared that I’m just going to suddenly wake up…”
The old Ou Chen used to seem so unyielding and solid, as if he had control of everything. But this present Ou Chen as he stares deeply at Xia Mo, his eyes full of the possibility of such happiness and yet still carrying a tinge of vulnerability and fear.
“It’s not. And even if it is a dream, I will still be there with you.”
Everything was her decision and even if it is just a play, she will still act her role to the end. As for those who suffered because of her choices, while she may never be able to make it up to them, at least she can make the people who are by her side happy.
*******
The tub is now completely full of water. Still wearing his clothes, Luo Xi peacefully climbs into the tub. Relaxing his body, he lies in the water, staring up at the skylight of the bathroom. His face is ashen, his lips red and in the darkness of the tub, there is an eerily beautiful quality to the picture.
The knife gives off a flash of brilliance before the pale hand holding it angrily slashes down!
A line of red instantly appears on his wrist, and slowly, the stark blood begins to drip from the wound… Until finally, it starts to fall faster… and faster…
Drip…
Drip…
Drip…
Following the slope of that wrist… each drop falls gently into the warm water…
*******
“Sister, have you really thought it through?”
“… yes.”
Xia Mo looks at Xiao Cheng’s pale and weakened face. Three days after the wedding will be the date of his surgery. Xia Mo smiles softly at Xiao Cheng as he gently replaces one of the wilted flower buds from her crown.
“Ah! That’s perfect! Xiao Cheng, you are just too sweet!” Zhen En bumbles excitedly, enviously glancing over at Xia Mo. “Xia Mo, you are so lucky! You have the world’s best little brother and soon you will have a husband who loves you dearly! And the wedding decoration is just too romantic and beautiful!”
“Yes. Brother Ou Chen paid a lot of attention to today’s details; Sister, you will be happy!”
“You will be happy!” Pan Nan also warmly adds. Since Xia Mo’s final decision is Ou Chen, then she must be happy.
*******
So… this is what it feels like to have your skin tear opened… A bitter smile dances on those ashen lips… So, it really doesn’t hurt that much… the bleeding is peaceful enough that you just sort of go numb…
Slowly, he closes his eyes, allowing his bleeding wrist to slide gently into the water.
In the warm water, the wound will never close…
The clear water. A thin ribbon of red slowly and gracefully unfurls from his wrist to rise to the surface, slowly transforming the clear water to a clear sea of red…
*******
The ceremony has begun.
At the pastor’s signal, the music begins. Pan Nan and Zhen En, their faces vibrant with smiles, start to walk slowly down the aisle. And then Ou Chen walks in.
As Ou Chen walks down the aisle, he is as handsome as Apollo, the sun god, his eyes as green as a spring lake. The green silken scarf flutters gently from his wrist, as if dancing lightly to the music that is wafting through the chapel.
He arrives in front of the pastor – and then turns around to face the entrance. His eyes intense, as if still unable to believe the happiness that is awaiting him as he watches that path. The path that his bride will soon walk on towards him.
*******
His body is getting colder and colder – it is becoming harder and harder to breathe.
It is becoming darkness in front of Luo Xi, his lips roughen and dried. Even the warm water that is still gushing from the faucet can no longer keep him warm.
Just like that one night so long ago… that cold, winter’s night as snowflake after snowflake fell on top of his head and face – he patiently waited on the bench in the amusement park, waiting for Mommy to come back for him… Mommy just got lost. As long as he keeps waiting for her, she’ll come running out towards him…
So he waited… and waited… and waited…
But only the snowflakes kept him company…
The world is so cold, so cold… He swore that he would never again love somebody…
He will never be given up by someone he loved again…
Until… until he met her…
Her calmness, her mockery, her warmth, her laughter, her intelligence, her beauty, her cruelty, her heartlessness…
He fell in love with her… crazily, stupidly, irrevocably and with his life… he fell in love with her…
…………….
“Luo Xi, welcome to this home.”
“Are you worried about me?”
“Yes.”
“Are you… worried about me?”
“Yes.”
“What if I’m so sick that I’m about to die, and right before I do die I just want to see you one more time – would you… would you give up everything just to come to my side?”
“I wouldn’t. I will be right there with you, giving you your medicine, finding the best doctors for you and staying by your side. I won’t leave you and even if you make me leave, I will still stay with you.”
“Okay. Forever loyal, forever unwavering.”
Forever loyal…
Forever unwavering…
*******
Xia Mo stands in the entrance to the chapel. As the music changes for her bridal walk, she raises her head. She sees the excited and expectant looks on the guests’ faces and sees Ou Chen’s steady gaze on her.
Taking a deep breath, she takes the first step –
And suddenly she feels pain seize her heart, so much pain that she can only bite down on her lip and frantically try to control the shivers that have come over her body…
If there’s nothing else left in this world for me to care about… then why not just die…
Even if I disappear from this world in the next second… you still will unhesitatingly marry him…
“Sister…” Xiao Cheng urgently whispers to his sister. She has paused long enough that the guests have begun to take notice and they began to murmur amongst themselves. Brother Ou Chen’s expression has become slightly nervous.
“Sister…”
At this moment, Xiao Cheng was planning on telling her, that even if she were to hesitate right then, he would support her regardless. But then Xia Mo seemed to come out of her daze and then steadily taking another deep breath, starts to walk down the aisle towards Ou Chen.
Step by step… she slowly comes forward.
Holding onto Xiao Cheng’s arm, she slowly comes closer to Ou Chen.
The chapel’s music continues to softly float through the air.
Zhen En is so touched by the picture that she cannot help the sudden tears in her eyes. Watching Xia Mo walk towards Ou Chen, she fervently prays that Xia Mo will be happy – she must be happy; she must, must be happy… If possible, she will gladly give her own happiness to Xia Mo…
Suddenly, the mood of the ceremony is broken by the shrill ring of a cell phone! The ring is familiar, ringing nonstop and in a panic, Zhen En realizes that the noise is coming from her own purse! Scrambling to open the purse, she realizes that it is Xia Mo’s cell phone – who could possibly be calling Xia Mo at this time…
Zhen En feels her head about to explode!
*******
“There’s nothing between me and Ou Chen…”
“Luo Xi… the one I like is you…”
“…. I like you…”
The redness of the warm water in the tub. Bloody red…
As life is slowly leaving him, Luo Xi clutches at the phone with his bloodied hand as if it is the most important thing in the world to him.
Drip… drip…
Darkness in front of his eyes.
The phone continues to ring steadily.
*******
Zhen En’s face loses all color, the name “Luo Xi” on Xia Mo’s phone causing her hands to start shaking, and she drops the phone back into the purse, that incessant ringing still going!
“What’s wrong? Who’s calling?”
Pan Nan looks over in concern. Zhen En hurriedly shuts her purse closed, not wanting Pan Nan to see. “No… nothing…”
As Xia Mo walks past the guests, her gaze falls on the people she knows.
Ling Hao watches her. Cai Ni looks at her in comfort. Yao Shu Er smiles at her. Even Wei An smiles brightly at her. And even Jam and all the other people who once helped and support her…
As Xia Mo finally reaches to the front, she can suddenly hear two different sounds playing at once. One is the music of the chapel and the other is a faraway and muffled song… So familiar…
“Sister…”
Xia Mo suddenly comes to a halt when Xiao Cheng stops walking. And sees that she has stopped directly in front of Ou Chen.
*******
I just want to see you one last time before I die…
The water has long overfilled the tub as it continues to relentlessly stream down from the faucet. The ground is covered in fresh blood water…
He can no longer hold onto the phone and it clatters heavily to the ground.
Will she…
*******
In front of everyone, Xiao Cheng gently places a kiss on Xia Mo’s forehead and after a glance at Ou Chen, respectfully places her hand into Ou Chen’s awaiting one.
Ou Chen firmly holds onto her hand, as if it is his life’s treasure. In that moment, his warm hand enfolding her own cool one, Ou Chen feels his heart skip a beat, the happiness that he dares not believe in threatening to spill forth from his blood… Forever unwavering… forever together…
*******
Will she…
In that eternal darkness…
His heart seems to no longer have the strength to beat…
So cold…
Luo Xi lies there, his eyes blank and his lips bloodless, the water gently lapping at his shirt… let Death come take him…
Will she…
*******
“Ou Chen, do you take Yin Xia Mo to be your lawfully wedded bride? To love her, to cherish her, through poor and rich times, through sickness and in health? To pledge your love and respect, your forever loyalty and to be together forever?”
Ou Chen can only see Xia Mo.
“I do take Yin Xia Mo to be my lawfully wedded bride. To love her, to cherish her, through poor and rich times, through sickness and in health, to pledge my love and respect, my forever loyalty, to death do we part.”
“Yin Xia Mo, do you take…”
*******
To give up everything…
*******
She cannot, cannot let Xia Mo know! The ringing of the cell phone continues to ring heinously from deep within the purse and as Zhen En fidgets nervously, she can already tell that Pan Nan has caught on.
“Zhen En, your cell phone…”
“It’s nothing!”
Frantically thrusting her hand inside the purse, she cannot let Pan Nan see it! If Pan Nan sees that Luo Xi is trying to call Xia Mo, then everything will be ruined! Anxiously fumbling around in her purse, Zhen En finally manages to press the power button!
*******
To give up everything…
The phone stops ringing, emitting a busy signal. The sound is deafening in its finality, as if the very last string of hope has been brutally cut off… There is nothing left to hold him here… Can just peacefully leave…
…to come to my side…
*******
“I do.”
Watching Xia Mo, Ou Chen then slowly, begins to uncurl the green scarf from his wrist. That green scarf which hast lasted so many long years.
Lightly taking her hand, he starts wrapping that scarf around her own slender wrist, that beautiful green silken scarf…
Around… and around…
Until finally, he secures it with a butterfly knot.
Lowering his head, he places a deep kiss upon her hand…
*******
“LUO XI!”
“LUO XI!”
Outside the door, Shen Qiang and Jie Ni both pound the door in a panic; Yin Xia Mo’s wedding ceremony is happening right now and yet they haven’t been able to contact Luo Xi! The door appears to have been double-bolted because Jie Ni cannot get in with her own key! They finally call upon security to break the door down but upon entering, can only hear the peaceful noise of water from the bathroom.
“Luo Xi….?”
They both rush towards the bathroom and as the door is opened halfway, they are greeted by the grotesque, blood water-covered ground and then see the dark figure lying in that blackened tub of red… as if… as if…
As if he was already long dead…
“LUO XI!!!!”
Their horror-filled screams echo throughout the empty home.
*******
Facing the rapidly enthusiastic clapping of the guests, the white flowers seeming to stretch endlessly up towards the cloudless, blue skies…
That slender, white wrist…
Encircled by the dancing, green silken scarf…
Chapter 7
As the sound of the shower comes from the bathroom, Ou Chen quietly sits by the bed, staring at the flower crown that she had worn during their ceremony. He can still almost smell her scent from them.
Ou Chen is very aware of the pounding of his heart.
Lightly reaching out with a finger, he tentatively pokes at one of the flowers. Images of that day’s ceremony flashes through his mind, her in her snow-white dress as she walked towards him, her softly repeating her vows in front of the pastor, in front of their guests, her throwing her bridal bouquet towards the open sky…
The flower buds are cold. Just like her finger, for when he was tying on that scarf, he had lightly brushed against her hand.
The shower is turned off. And then the door to the bathroom opens.
Ou Chen lightly places the crown back down and then raises his head. Xia Mo is wearing a white bathrobe, a white towel wrapped around her hair, her skin still lightly moist and heated from her shower.
“You…” Ou Chen is stunned to realize that his voice has come out hoarse. Quickly swiveling his head around from her, he nervously clears his throat. “You have showered.”
Xia Mo had taken a really long shower. Although she has already mentally prepared herself that she will need to perform a wife’s duties, she had still been unable to turn that faucet off. Until the heat from the shower was fast causing her to become heady, did she realize the futileness of her actions. Even if she hesitates and fights, there is no point to it now.
“You… can take your shower now…” Xia Mo’s face instantly reddens.
“You must be tired. You should go to bed.” Ou Chen stands up and then turns back around to look at her. “If you need anything, just call one of the maids. Or you can call me; I’ll be in the room across the hallway.”
Xia Mo looks up in astonishment!
“Good night.” Ou Chen walks past her towards the door.
“Wait a minute!” Xia Mo bits down on her lip nervously when she hears his footsteps pause. “You don’t have to do this… Stay. We are… already married…”
As Ou Chen watches her, it takes all of his will power to control the sudden thumping of his heart again. She is as beautiful as a goddess. However, her hands continue to fist nervously at her side.
“We need to prepare for Yin Cheng’s surgery tomorrow, so you should get a good night’s rest. As for us… we have plenty of time in the future…”
He smiles slowly, as if he still hasn’t gotten used to smiling. Although there is a stiffness to his smile, there is also warmth.
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
As the door slowly closes in front of Xia Mo, the master bedroom instantly becomes quiet. Xia Mo’s body suddenly relaxes and she slides down onto the bed, as if all her energy has been expended. Numbly sitting there, her gaze reflexively falls onto the purple red, silk window coverings.
That color… just a flash of red…
Looks so much like blood…
Her heart clenches for a moment; she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her and why she would suddenly have such a feeling of fear consume her, almost as if something horrific has happened somewhere else…
*******
“Luo Xi…”
“Luo Xi!”
The heart monitor in the emergency room suddenly lets out a piercing shriek, as the line becomes solid straight. In a rush, the nurses push Shen Qiang and Jie Ni out of the room!
“LUO XI…!!”
Her voice hoarse from crying, tears stain Shen Qiang’s face while Jie Ni can only clutch at her mouth to try to muffle her own cries. They can only watch helplessly as the doctor uses a defibrillator to try to start Luo Xi’s heart again. Once… twice… Luo Xi lies there with no apparent signs of life, his face white and his hands motionlessly on the bed…
*******
Xia Mo suddenly lurches awake from a nightmare! Her entire body is drenched in sweat, her lips paper thin. That dream had felt so real… so real that every detail is still clearly depicted in front of her – Luo Xi’s body soaked in blood as it continuously drips…
No… she can’t continue to think crazy thoughts…
She tries to chase away the lingering nightmare as she comforts herself; there’s no one in this world who would be unable to keep living just because s/he lost someone else…
As for her, she no longer has the right to think about other people…
From today on, she is someone’s wife…
*******
“Xiao Cheng, tomorrow is the day of surgery. Are you nervous?”
After some debate, this is all that Zhen En could think of to say. Perhaps it is because the recently wedded Xia Mo and Ou Chen are also in the room, Xiao Cheng looks extremely well. However, Zhen En cannot get rid of the feeling of shame and does not dare look Xia Mo directly in the eye.
She did not tell Xia Mo about the phone call and had even deleted the call record before handing the phone back. It shouldn’t be a big deal… She just didn’t want anything else to adversely affect Xia Mo’s wedding. Luo Xi… Luo Xi just called out of bitterness… But why does she feel so uncomfortable?
“I’m not nervous; the surgery will proceed smoothly,” Xiao Cheng smiles at his sister and Brother Ou Chen. “Because I still want to see Sister and Brother-in-law have a baby together, and then the baby can call me ‘Uncle!’ “
Xia Mo instantly blushes and she sneaks a quick glance over at Ou Chen, who is already watching her with bright eyes. Confused, she quickly looks away, turning towards Xiao Cheng and reminding him that he will need to prepare for his surgery soon; he should be resting right now.
Ou Chen places a gentle hand on Xiao Cheng’s shoulder. “The surgery will be successful.”
“Hmm, I know.” Pause. “Brother-in-law, could I ask you a favor?”
“Go ahead.”
“The donor… I’m really grateful to him and would like to personally thank him myself.”
“I think, he already knows of your gratitude. However, he may not necessarily have agreed to the surgery out of charity but to thank the Heavens for having given him a precious chance. Perhaps, he needs to thank you instead.”
“Do you know him?”
“Yes.”
“Can I meet him?”
“He doesn’t want other people to know who he is.”
“Why not?”
“It’s time for a check-up, so we should go.”
Xia Mo stealthily interrupts the conversation as she begins to push Xiao Cheng’s wheelchair away. Zhen En breathes a sigh of relief and Ou Chen moves to push the wheelchair for Xia Mo but the slight shaking of her head dissuades him.
“Sister.”
“Yes?”
“After the surgery, I’ll be able to leave the hospital.”
“….”
…………………..
“Xia Mo, you clearly know, that after that car accident, Xiao Cheng suffered a lot of external damage to his organs. And since he wasn’t able to receive proper care in time, the damages that he sustained caused his illness to considerably worsen. His kidney has already reached the stage that is threatening to his life and although a replacement will temporarily extend his longevity, if he becomes ill from anything else…”
……………………………….
“Sister…?”
“If you get better, of course you’ll be able to leave the hospital.”
“Can I live with you and Brother-in-law?”
“Of course you’ll live with us.”
“That’s great! That way, I can still see Sister every day…”
Zhen En feels a calming warmth feel her, watching the picturesque quality of Xia Mo and Ou Chen, the happiness on Xiao Cheng’s face – she knows that she made the right decision! It’s a good thing she didn’t tell Xia Mo about that phone call… It’s a good thing she didn’t let Luo Xi’s shadow ruin the wedding…
“Yin Xia Mo!”
Suddenly, a hatred-filled voice rings out in the hallway!
Shen Qiang rushes towards them, ire burning her face. She stalks purposefully towards Xia Mo, her glare never leaving her, as if she will use her stare to sentence her to death! Just as Zhen En is about to ask her what exactly is going on, Shen Qiang roughly shoves her off to the side before stopping directly in front of Xia Mo.
“Miss Shen…” Xia Mo begins, not understanding why Shen Qiang would show up here.
SMACK!
Shen Qiang’s hand flies across Xia Mo’s face! Zhen En gasps in shock! How dare Shen Qiang publicly slap someone without any reason?!
“Sister…!” Xiao Cheng instantly stands up from his wheelchair, concerned that his sister may be hurt.
Ou Chen is incensed as he moves protectively to stand in front of Xia Mo, watching as her face instantly swells up. Seeing the hand imprint, he is suddenly filled with a rage to kill.
“Yin Xia Mo! You’re totally full of yourself, aren’t you?!”
Shen Qiang is filled with righteous anger as the rage boils over her. Xia Mo can only dumbly stand there, as if in a dream. She doesn’t know what exactly happened, only that her face is now smarting from the pain and that she is currently the target of Shen Qiang’s uncontrollable rage.
“You’ll do anything for power, manipulating everyone just to climb on top! Congratulations, Yin Xia Mo, you’ve finally married into the wealthy! But don’t you have nightmares? Aren’t you afraid of karma?! Aren’t you afraid… aren’t you afraid that the people you hurt will turn into vengeful spirits and take you to hell?!”
“What are you talking about…”
“You will get your punishment! Yin Xia Mo! Someone with a viper’s heart like you should have already gone to hell! I will never forgive you! I swear, as long as I live, I will never let you be at peace!”
“Please better control your emotions.” Ou Chen keeps Xia Mo close behind him as he levels a stare at Shen Qiang. “You will pay for today.”
“Haha, pay! I’m so frightened! Even if you’re the great and all-mighty heir of Ou Hua Corporations, do you think I’ll be scared of you?! Even if you can control the world with one hand, even if you bribe the media, even if you can squash me like an ant with your one finger, do you think I’ll be scared of you?! You’re just another one of Yin Xia Mo’s poor little dolls to play with!” Pause. “Why do you think she married you?! Because she loves you? Hahaha, it’s only because of your assets and status! Because of you, she can so callously hurt Luo Xi, stepping all over him to get what she wants! One day she’ll throw you to the curb too for someone else who has more power and status than you! The pain that Luo Xi suffers today, you will suffer ten times more!”
“Luo Xi…”
That nameless fear begins to surround Xia Mo again… Shen Qiang’s tirade wouldn’t be completely baseless, yes… something must have happened…
“Luo Xi, he…” No… no…
“What, you mean you still remember his name? You’re now a rich mistress and you still remember your old lover’s name? Aren’t you afraid that your bank teller will be unhappy? In fact, what right do you still have to ask about him! Didn’t you already throw him away like trash, why would you still worry whether or not he lived or died?!”
Lived or died…
“What did you just say…”
“He tried to kill himself…”
Shen Qiang’s voice is hoarse and she looks as if she has suddenly aged five years. The earlier rage from her eyes has calmed down, as if she doesn’t know whether to be angry at Xia Mo or angry at herself. That man’s heart has never had a place for her and yet she still unconditionally loves him… Even when he attempts suicide for another woman, all she can think of, is to help him achieve his last wish.
“Yin Xia Mo, do you feel smug now? He actually tried to kill himself for you… actually used that knife to slice open his own wrist…”
Xia Mo numbly stands there; she cannot understand anything, she cannot hear anything… In her haze, she can only see Shen Qiang’s mouth moving as if saying something and then slowly, she cannot even see anything anymore… The world is so silently empty…
“It was yesterday… the same time as your wedding… he tried to kill himself… he lost a lot of blood… the bathroom floor was covered in blood…”
Zhen En covers her mouth in horror, her eyes wide open, unable to say anything. Xiao Cheng is also frozen dumb and he falls limply back into the wheelchair.
Ou Chen’s entire body stiffens! A rush of cold air floods his body as he looks over at Xia Mo, seeing her lost and whitened expression, and that coldness fills his blood like a curse. As if even before he is able to reach his happiness, it has already been frozen solid.
“Brother Luo Xi… how is he doing…”
“The doctors have been working on him since yesterday… they said that he’s lost too much blood… chances of survival are low… he’s currently in a coma… critical condition…”
Shen Qiang looks at Xia Mo with hopelessness in her eyes.
“Do you know… that when we found in him that blood-covered tub… he had called you… as he was fast dying… he called you… why… why didn’t you stop him…”
Phone call… that phone call! Zhen En begins to shake uncontrollably!
“Follow me! If you still have any sort of conscience left, make him wake up! I don’t care what you do, just make him wake up again, do you hear me?!” Unable to take this feeling of despondence any longer, Shen Qiang grabs Xia Mo by the hand and begins dragging her.
“Xia Mo!” Ou Chen instinctively grabs Xia Mo’s other hand in return, the fear in him tightening his grip. No, he can’t let her leave! If he lets her leave, then… she may never come back…
But she dumbly stares back at him. Her eyes are empty, as if they can no longer recognize who he is, staring right through him. It is as if the instant her soul had heard about that man’s suicide, it had already fluttered away…
Ou Chen’s hand loosens – and Shen Qiang pulls away with Xia Mo in tow. Xiao Cheng watches the wooden figure of his sister depart and then seeing the obvious pain on Ou Chen’s pale face, his own heart is thrown into confusion.
Guilt and remorse have taken over Zhen En’s body. It was that phone call… that phone call… it’s her fault that another life was taken… she has killed someone…
*******
It is like she is in a dream; Xia Mo stumbles over a whitened landscape of fog. Someone is pulling her – her wrist is in pain but she can’t hear or see anything… memories continue to flash hideously through her mind…
I think that before I die, I want to complete the things I’ve always wanted to do… Do you know… that I’ve actually wanted to propose to you a long time ago…
If there’s nothing left in this world to care about, then just die…
She doesn’t know where she is but she hears the distant noise of a car door… someone is yelling at her… She doesn’t understand, just that the voice is filled with rage at her! But she doesn’t hurt.
The car seems to be moving… her body seems to be moving along with it but her brain is completely empty and numbed… She doesn’t understand – isn’t this a dream? Then why… why hasn’t she waken up yet…
Even if I disappear from this world in the next second, you still will unhesitatingly marry him…
The car seems to be moving at the fastest speed possible — it won’t stop — it just keeps pushing down on the gas pedal… That piercing noise is like demon’s shrill laughter; her body is consumed by chills, her head is about to explode and the sudden need to puke is rushing up at her!
And then… she begins to vomit. In great heaves and gasps, she vomits everything out.
Until someone places a napkin in her hand.
Are you scared… I… will not wish you happiness…
The car finally stops.
Someone is forcefully pulling her out of the car and she is unceremoniously yanked out, her wrist crying out in pain. She is instantly swathed in blinding white light and her nose begins to itch from the smell of disinfectant. She cannot see clearly where she is but the feeling of sickness still plagues her, as if she will not feel better until she has puked out every organ in her body!
He tried to kill himself…
Are you happy now… He actually tried to kill himself for you… ruthlessly used that knife to cut down on his vein…
Someone seems to be saying something again and the chills start over; she dumbly stands there, unable to move like a hurt little animal. Her breathing thunders in her ear, and she cannot hear that someone is standing and talking next to her. Someone is pulling on her but she doesn’t want to move a single step!
Until someone roughly shoves her into the room – that white and spotless room. And she hears the steady beep… beeping… noise…
It was yesterday… the same time as your wedding… he tried to kill himself… he lost a lot of blood… the bathroom floor was covered in blood…
“Senior Xia Mo…”
In that blank whiteness, someone is calling her name… She numbly walks forward, and then stops. Through her darkened and crazed vision, she slowly, slowly feels her way forward – and then her vision clears to see the deathly pale person lying in the sick bed.
That snow-white bed. The weak wrist lying motionlessly on top of the cover. And the starch white bandage wrapped endlessly around it. How deep the wound must be… to require such a thick wrapping…
His ashen face. Closed eyes. Black eyebrows. Bloodless and chapped lips.
He lies there peacefully as an IV drip methodically drips down; his chest doesn’t even appear to rise, the only sign that he is still living is the steady beep of the heart monitor that is attached to him.
Peacefully lying on the bed. So peaceful that he appears to be a newborn baby, so peaceful that he doesn’t know anything, doesn’t know that she has arrived, doesn’t know that she’s now standing there next to him, doesn’t know her hopelessness and fear… doesn’t know that he has already forced her to the edge of the cliff…
“You…really did it…”
After standing there for a long, long time, Xia Mo numbly stands by the bed, her voice seemingly coming from a faraway place.
Drained of strength now, Shen Qiang sags against the wall and closes her eyes.
This is all she can do now. The world is just so contradictory; she despises Yin Xia Mo and would be happiest if Luo Xi never saw this woman ever again. But when faced with the comatose Luo Xi who has completely lost his will to live, all she can do is bring Yin Xia Mo to him and have her try to save him.
Jie Ni’s eyes are red and her head lowered, tears silently rolling down her face. In that instant when they had discovered Luo Xi in that blood-covered bathroom, she had hated Senior Xia Mo. Hated her for being so cruel to leave Luo Xi to marry someone else.
But watching the pale and shaking Xia Mo standing next to the unconscious Luo Xi, she suddenly realizes – that under Senior Xia Mo’s tough exterior may perhaps lie an even more vulnerable heart.
“Luo Xi… you really… really hate me that much… So much that you have to use such a cruel way… to announce your victory… But, do you think you have really won…” Xia Mo hesitatingly reaches out as if to touch his hair but then her hand freezes. “You’ve only… only made us both losers… you’ve hurt yourself… and used that to hurt me…”
“Wake up…”
“Why are you just lying there without moving…”
“Don’t you think this is stupid…”
“What if I don’t care about you… even if you die… it doesn’t hurt me at all…”
Xia Mo starts laughing uncontrollably, continually to speak to Luo Xi as if he has indeed waken up.
“You’re just doing this because I like you… I like you… so you can cruelly send me to Hell, right…”
“What the hell are you saying?!”
Shen Qiang angrily stalks forward, first looking at Luo Xi and then over at Xia Mo. “He’s about to die! He’s about to die!! Because he’s lost so much blood and had to be saved five times, he’s still in a coma! Why are you saying such nonsense? Do you really have such a viper’s heart?! You won’t be happy until you’ve watched him die?! What is your heart made out of?! Are you really not afraid of karma?!”
“Miss Shen…” Jie Ni hurriedly interjects. “You misunderstand Senior Xia Mo. She’s not mocking Luo Xi, she’s also distraught, don’t you see that? And you should lower your voice; the doctors had warned us that it would affect his healing…”
“Distraught?! She’s like a wooden figure! She’s not even crying! She doesn’t have blood; it’s ice!”
The anger in Shen Qiang’s chest is about to implode, but she knows that Jie Ni is right; Luo Xi cannot be disturbed. Having said everything that was bottled up inside of her, she grits her teeth and walks out of the room, slamming the door shut.
The room becomes instantly quiet.
“Will you die… You’re just scaring me, right… then I… I admit defeat… okay… don’t scare me… do you know… I… I… I’m scared.” Xia Mo looks hopelessly at him. “Maybe… you have to use death to punish me… but… you’re really stupid… even if you die… it won’t scare me…”
So cold… she’s so cold…
He’s just lying there like the dead. As if he can’t even hear a word she just said; there isn’t the slightest reaction from him. Just like… he was already dead…
Slowly… Xia Mo turns away… slowly… she walks towards the door…
Luo Xi… you can’t scare me…
She dumbly opens the door and slowly… walks down that vast, white hallway…
You can’t scare me…
She quietly walks outside into the rain and is covered by the splattering of the cold water… there appears to be the sound of a car and even someone yelling at her from the car… and even someone seems to be worriedly helping her…
If… you die…
She continues walking in that haze-filled rain… it is all an illusion… She cannot see the road in front of her… the rainwater is so cold… but she is so numb that she is now used to it… No matter what she encounters, she won’t be scared… yes… she is Mommy’s strong little daughter… she’s not scared of anything…
Then… I will give you this life in return…
Numbly walking, she doesn’t know how long she has walked or even how far; it seems that daylight has turned into night. The rain slowly stopped and then slowly started again, her body is soaked and then dried, dried and then soaked again.
She is in the hospital gardens.
And then standing right outside the patient room. And the sudden realization comes back to her, as reasoning slowly returns thread by thread. No, she cannot be weak, she will not be defeated! She still has Xiao Cheng and his surgery is tomorrow; even if the demons have swallowed whole her entire soul, she cannot be defeated right now…
Xia Mo slowly reaches out to push the door open…
…when the door suddenly flies open!
“Xia Mo!!” Zhen En flies out of the room at Xia Mo, grasping her with unsteady and shaking hands. “Is he… is he dead?”
Xia Mo numbly stands there and under Zhen En’s crazed shaking, what little reasoning she had earlier recovered instantly scatters from her grasp.
“He’s dead… he’s dead, isn’t he…”
Zhen En’s face is ashen; since hearing the news of Luo Xi’s attempted suicide from Shen Qiang, she has been filled with horror and fear. She’s been waiting for Xia Mo to return but yet Xia Mo never came back, and now that she’s back, her expression is one of blankness. It is as if what she has most feared in the world has come to pass!
“I’m sorry… it was me who harmed Luo Xi! It was me! I killed him! He called you during the wedding ceremony, right as you were walking down the aisle and had arrived in front of Ou Chen! I saw the call; I’m sorry, Xia Mo, I didn’t know he was about to die, I really didn’t know! I didn’t give the phone to you and hung up on the call and then I even erased the call record! I’m sorry, Xia Mo! It was me! I killed him! I killed Luo Xi… if I had given you that call… perhaps he wouldn’t have died…”
“Zhen En…”
Her head in so much pain that it’s about to split wide open and the air conditioning from the vents causing chills to Xia Mo’s body… she feels both hot and cold… it is extremely hard to take…
Xia Mo fights to control her body’s internal shaking. “He’s still alive… he…”
“Xia Mo, I’m sorry! I was too selfish! I know the truth, I’ve known from the very beginning; I heard everything you said with Ou Chen! You’re doing it for Xiao Cheng’s surgery, only Ou Chen’s kidney is a match for Xiao Cheng and so you agreed to marry him…”
“You…” Xia Mo is stunned. So Zhen En has always known then?
“But that’s not right, isn’t it? Marriage should about mutual love and respect; it shouldn’t be for this kind of an exchange, right?!”
“But, I was too selfish…”
“I didn’t try to stop you! I clearly knew why you were marrying Ou Chen and yet I didn’t stop you! I wanted Xiao Cheng to live and so I just silently watched you sacrificed and even tried to reassure myself that you would be happy! I’m so selfish, Xia Mo… I’m not worthy of being your friend…” Pause. “I thought, as long as Xiao Cheng lived, then any price would be worth it! But I was wrong! Happiness can’t be received as a condition… You married someone you don’t love and I didn’t try to stop you! And even knowing Luo Xi’s pain, knowing he would be heartbroken and even in that moment when he was committing suicide, I didn’t even tell you! I killed him, I killed Luo Xi! It’s all my fault! Xia Mo, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…!”
Standing underneath the biting and frigid air of that vent. Xia Mo can almost no longer stand upright, her head severely pounding… suddenly, she senses another presence and swivels her head around!
Xiao Cheng is quietly standing there, dumbly staring at the tear-stained Zhen En and then dumbly staring at her, his eyes sunken dark holes and his bloodless face.
“Sister… is that true… because Brother Ou Chen can give his kidney to me… so you married him..”
And some distance behind Xiao Cheng… is Ou Chen…
Quietly standing there, Ou Chen watches her, as if he has been waiting a long time for her and will continue to wait forever… however, he does not know if she despises him waiting for her… doesn’t know whether in her mind, his waiting is actually another form of torture for her…
Chapter 8
That night, Xiao Cheng dumbly sits in bed, not eating and saying a word. It is like he is deaf, unable to hear any noise and blind, not seeing anything in front of him. He does not hear the cries of Zhen En, he does not hear a word of Xia Mo’s explanations nor does he register her increasingly sickly pallor.
One full night. No matter how the doctors and nurses order for him to rest, no matter how Xia Mo begs him, no matter how Zhen En wildly cries that she was just lying, and no matter how Ou Chen quietly says anything – he does not hear a word of it.
The next day, the doctor is taken aback to realize how much weaker Xiao Cheng has become. But what causes her the most surprise is when Xiao Cheng tells her – he refuses the surgery!
“You can’t!” Zhen En’s eyes are red and swollen from continuously crying and not sleeping that night. “I was just spouting nonsense! I actually don’t know anything! The surgery is already prepared; you can’t give up now! You have to go through with the surgery! I beg you! I was just making stuff up, it’s not true, really, it’s not true…”
“Then where is Ou Chen? If he isn’t lying on that surgery table, waiting to give his kidney to me, then tell him to come here right now.”
Zhen En freezes! Yes, Ou Chen has already gone into surgery and is waiting for the anesthesia. It’s all her fault, she caused all of this, why isn’t she the one who’s sick?
A pale and tense Xia Mo walks into the room. “Doctor… the surgery will depend on you.”
“I refuse.”
The doctor first looks at the stubborn Xiao Cheng and then the paper-thin Xia Mo, and worriedly asks her if she is all right. However, she is interrupted by Xia Mo.
“I am the family elder; I have the right to to make such decisions for him. I will sign the surgery papers, so please ready today’s surgery preparations.”
“I told you, I refuse! Even if I die the next instant, I will not accept such a surgery! If I don’t personally agree, then no one else has the right to agree for me! Even you – do not!”
Xia Mo is stunned. Ever since they were little, she has never heard Xiao Cheng use such a tone of voice with her.
“You…” Pause. “Unless your meaning is to deny me as your sister… then today’s surgery is happening!”
“Xia Mo…”
“Regardless of using your own happiness as the price…” Pause. “Sister… why do you think… I was born… I only exist in this world, just to cause you trouble, right… Ever since we were little… in order to take care of me… you couldn’t play with other children… at the orphanage… in order to protect me… you would always get into fights with the other kids… in order to protect me… you hurt someone and was locked up… and when you came out, your body was covered in wounds… but you wouldn’t talk about what happened… you took care of me… in order to heal my illness… in order for me to go to school… you would work every day… only sleeping three to four hours each day… in order to save money… you entered that complicated entertainment world… Sister… I know… you love me… but… if for me… you have even have to give up your world’s happiness… What am I… the leech that takes away your life and your happiness…” Pause. “If I am your little brother, so I have to hurt you… then… I’d rather… I’d rather…”
“It’s not because of you! It’s not because of that kidney that I chose to marry Ou Chen… it’s because I like him… Even if there was no surgery… I would still marry him…”
“The one you like is Brother Luo Xi! Because of me, you broke up with Brother Luo Xi… it was Ou Chen who forced you, he used that kidney to force you to marry him!”
“No… the one I like is Ou Chen…”
An image of Luo Xi lying motionlessly on his bed suddenly flashes in front of Xia Mo and she stubbornly shakes her head to clear it away. Yes, it’s an illusion, Luo Xi didn’t try to kill himself, she’s just having a nightmare…
“I beg you… Xiao Cheng… Sister begs you… please believe me this one time, please… it’s not because of you, it’s really not because of you…”
Xiao Cheng… does not believe her…
“Xiao Cheng… I beg you… accept the surgery… even if it’s just for me… Sister wants to be with you forever… Sister cannot lose you…”
A single teardrop silently makes its way down her face. And then another… and another…
“… yes… it is Sister’s fault… please forgive Sister… Sister promises you… Sister will do her best to be happy… But without Xiao Cheng… what point will Sister have with that happiness…”
Zhen En watches the tears fall down Xia Mo’s face… is this Xia Mo? The Xia Mo who would rather bleed than let any tears fall… Zhen En feels her own heart breaking and more tears fall down her own face… Even the doctor, who has become used to seeing such despondent situations cannot help but feel the same pain…
Xiao Cheng’s heart twists at seeing those crystal tears fall down his sister’s pale face and he unconsciously reaches out with his hand to wipe them away. However, he takes a deep breath as if steeling himself and fists his hand back in.
“Sister… you’ve already sacrificed so much for me… and now you have to sacrifice your life’s happiness, I’d rather die…”
“What are you talking about! You’re not going to die! Stop worrying yourself! Do the surgery! As long as you do the surgery, you’ll be fine! Listen to Sister; be good. The surgery is already prepared, so just listen to Sister this time. Just this one time, okay?!”
The doctor glances at the desperate Xia Mo. Only they know that even if Xiao Cheng goes through with the surgery, possible complications from other issues may arise and so there’s still the possibility…
“Sister, I want to live too… I want to take care of you, even if it’s just for half a year or just one month… I don’t want you to worry about me anymore and to let me take care of you instead… So I was really happy to learn that there was a possible kidney… Even if just to live for a short time… I still want to be at your side…” Pause. “But… this comes at the price of your happiness… and Brother Luo Xi… he loves you so much… you both like each other so much… but for me… you gave it all up…”
“I don’t care! I just want you, Xiao Cheng! I don’t care about anything else! Just as long as you live! I just want you as my family! If you die, what’s the point in me still living! There is no meaning! Xiao Cheng! I just want you to live! I just want you to live!”
“So Brother Luo Xi can go die then?!
Tears are blinding Xiao Cheng but he will not allow Sister to scare him. He cannot let her continue to be wrong.
“Brother Luo Xi has already tried to kill himself because of that wedding! He’s lying in that hospital bed waiting to be saved! I am your brother, you love me but do you really not care about him at all? You’re not afraid that he really will die?!”
She feels as if she has been struck by a bolt of frigid ice! Xia Mo’s body freezes up, her eyes sunken, black holes in her white face and her dry lips open as if to say something but yet no words come out.
Luo Xi…
That cold and white room… that peaceful body lying motionlessly, his wrist encased in thick wrapping… bloodless face and closed eyes…
As if he was already dead…
“And Brother Ou Chen… for me… he has to give up his kidney… which will impact his health for the rest of his life… for me… do we really have to sacrifice so many people…”
Ou Chen…
Her vision has gone white. Her body feels like it is being split into a million pieces, as if a demon has grabbed hold and is now mercilessly biting on her…
Is everyone’s pain because of her… Everyone’s pain…
“Sister… I know you love me… but… I won’t accept the surgery… Sister… no matter what you say… I… will not… accept the surgery…”
She already knew… that she would be punished…
She is filled with the urge to puke, the ground seems to be wildly swaying beneath her! Her back seems covered in icy cold and burning hot sweat, as if she is trapped underneath the ocean’s surface, slowly drowning by the crashing waves! She is so insignificant, so helpless – that she uses any selfish means necessary, betraying Luo Xi, hurting Ou Chen… but, there is no way to turn it back…
There is no more hope… Xiao Cheng is that adamant… there is no more turning back…
In a foggy daze, someone seems to be calling her but there is no waking from this nightmare… The doorknob is cold to the touch and the hallway endless outside… She walks like a zombie, not knowing where she should go or how far she should go…
“Xia Mo!!”
When Zhen En rushes out of the room in concern and looks down the hallway, she sees that weak figure slowly slide down onto the cold ground.
*******
The cold came on hard and sudden, a raging and desperate fever slowly burning Xia Mo’s body. She ran a temperature of 104 degrees, her lips so dry that they began to crack, her skin hot and feverish. No matter how many ways the doctors came up with to try to burn her fever out, their efforts were in vain, as if she had already given up and would rather stay in her feverish and cationic state, and never wake up.
“Xia Mo…”
A hoarse Ou Chen numbly stands by her bedside, unable to believe that the previously healthy her would suddenly collapse! Her eyes are tightly closed, her face red, as if she is caught deep in a terrible nightmare as her body shakes uncontrollably, a child caught in the throes of her own horror.
Her head thrashes restlessly on the pillow, her expression filled with pain as if she is trying to wake herself up, trying with all her might to wake herself back up…
“Xia Mo…” He holds on tightly to her hand, his heart consumed by so much torture that he is unable to breathe. “What did you do to her?!”
He directs his wrath at the pale-faced Xiao Cheng who is currently standing in the corner of the room. He knows, that only Xiao Cheng has the ability to deal such a weakening blow to her, because only Xiao Cheng is the most important person to her.
And he… is nothing…
As he was lying there on the bed waiting for the surgery to begin, he suddenly realized how lonely his existence was. He walked into the surgery by himself; no one was by his side. When he signed the paperwork for the surgery, no one was by his side. And when he was lying on that bed in the operation room, only accompanied by the anesthetist and surgeon, there was no one waiting for him in worry.
Perhaps… she hadn’t even noticed his absence…
She only loves her little brother. It is only because of her intense love for her little brother that he suddenly became important, because he had something that he could give her. If it wasn’t for that kidney, she wouldn’t even spare him a glance.
In that moment, his heart was thrown into confusion and he became thrown by the irony of the situation. To use a kidney to force her is such a despicable method, but he only has this way, this one way to keep her with him! But when Yin Cheng found out everything… did he even lose this one tiny hope…
When the doctor had informed him of the surgery’s cancellation, he had quietly sat back up on the bed, the loneliness in his heart like the winter’s snow. He had thought that his heart would slowly freeze over but seeing the comatose and feverish Xia Mo, he then realized that he had overestimated himself. He can withstand the loneliness and the cold – but her ashen face and painful writhing… they are like knives to his heart. He would rather face a thousand times more loneliness and coldness than ever see her in pain.
“And what did YOU do to her?!” Xiao Cheng in turn, directs the question back at Ou Chen.
“….”
The fire burning in Xiao Cheng’s eyes cause him to look nothing like the normally obedient and easygoing Yin Cheng. Ou Chen grimaces, unable to respond to Xiao Cheng’s biting question.
“Even if it’s for your sister, you should go through with the surgery.”
Xiao Cheng is her everything. She will do anything just so Xiao Cheng can live happily. It is most likely because Xiao Cheng turned down the surgery, essentially destroying all her hope that she suddenly collapsed.
“I won’t take your kidney and allow her to give away her happiness for it.”
Xiao Cheng slowly stands up and his gaze falls on Xia Mo. However, he cannot bear to look any longer because an extra moment of seeing her ill causes his heart to feel as if it is being slowly burned by a hot iron. He walks out of the room and then dumbly stands in the hallway, his mind a blank cloud. Sister has always been healthy, she will get better, he can’t surrender simply out of a moment of weakness, she’ll be better very soon…
Still sitting in the corner of the patient room is Zhen En, who has apparently been forgotten by everyone else. She numbly watches Xiao Cheng’s disappearing figure and then watches Ou Chen standing over Xia Mo. Her eyes are swollen with tears still wet on her face, and she is painfully distraught. The events of these two days have caused her brain to be completely thrown and she no longer knows what is right or wrong. Perhaps there is no such thing in the world as black and white; only tragic stories that disappoint people, causing tears to endlessly fall.
Ou Chen continues to stand there. There is no light in his eyes as he relentlessly repeats to himself; he didn’t do anything wrong, he won’t regret anything! However, when the weak and hot hand twitches involuntarily in his hand from her shaking, he feels his last resolve scatter, just like weeds being blown away by the gusts of wind at the water’s edge…
*******
The fever never passes. Ou Chen has the country’s most renowned doctors try to heal her but although they try everything from needles to various methods to try to warm her body temperature, their efforts are in vain.
On the third day, the doctors inform Ou Chen that Xia Mo’s illness has turned into a severe case of pneumonia.
*******
The white pillow.
The IV drip that is connected to her arm thrashes around as Xia Mo’s face scrunches in pain, struggling to free herself from the demons in her nightmares…
………………………..
Yin Cheng’s illness has considerably worsened and he will need to undergo kidney surgery immediately, otherwise he is not given more than three months to live… Yin Cheng has an extremely rare blood type of RH-B and so they haven’t been able to find a suitable donor yet…
We’ve found a suitable donor but that person hasn’t decided on whether or not to donate a kidney to Xiao Cheng yet…
His name is Ou Chen…
…………
She is stumbling in the hazy fire and cannot see the road before her…
…………………..
Marry me, and I will give my kidney to Yin Cheng.
Even if I disappear from this world in the next second… you will still unhesitatingly marry him…
…………….
Struggling painfully and surrounded by the merciless fire… was she wrong… was she wrong from the very beginning? She tightly closes her eyes, the nightmare has her caught by the throat, burning her lips and she mumbles nonsense over and over…
…………………..
… even if you go through with the surgery… there are still possible complications… you need to prepare yourself…
Are you happy now? He actually tried to kill himself for you… used that knife to slice down on his own vein…
So Brother Luo Xi can go die then… Brother Luo Xi has already tried to kill himself because of that wedding! He’s lying in that hospital bed waiting to be saved! You’re not afraid that he really will die?!
And Brother Ou Chen… for me… he has to give up his kidney… which will impact his health for the rest of his life… for me… do we really have to sacrifice so many people…
But… I won’t accept the surgery… Sister… no matter what you say… I… will not… accept the surgery…
…………….
…………………………..
From morning to night time, the feverish Xia Mo continues to mumble to herself in her sleep, writhing on her bed like a young, sickly girl. She has no strength left… no hope… it is as if she has already completely given up…
“Mommy… Mommy…”
The forever-guarding Ou Chen has never left her side and when he suddenly hears this clearly-enunciated phrase from her, he nervously takes hold of her twitching hand, his eyes deep with pain as he watches her tortured expression. Watching with her with the fear that her life will so easily slip away from her, wave after wave of despondence comes crushing down on him…
“I promise you… Xia Mo… as long as you get better… I’ll do whatever you ask me…”
Holding tightly onto her hand, Ou Chen gently lays his face against her burning chest… his shadow a lonely figure in the room, his shoulders shaking ever so slightly…
*******
Xiao Cheng cannot bear to stand watch in his sister’s room nor can he silently watch her continue to be tormented by her feverish dreams because that will only chip away at his resistance, making him rather accept the surgery if just to see his sister get better!
But what is the difference… Even if that is able to make Sister better, it will take away her right to happiness…
Reasoning tells him not to and so he has not been allowing himself to stay in Sister’s room. He has asked Zhen En to find out from Shen Qiang the hospital that Brother Luo Xi is at and learning that he has not waken either, he decided to visit Brother Luo Xi.
“Brother Luo Xi…”
Is that Brother Luo Xi? No matter if it is his younger memory or the present; Brother Luo Xi has always been smiling and warm, carefree and perfect like an angel… even when he had been harmed, he would smile and say that everything will be all right…
But now… Brother Luo Xi would actually choose to commit suicide…
“I’m sorry…”
Xiao Cheng whispers softly to the comatose Luo Xi. He really loves Sister deeply, choosing to end his life rather than losing her. Although this way ultimately caused Sister to be thrown into Hell but in that moment of choosing, that heartache and distraught could not have been easy for him to endure either.
“Please don’t hate Sister… It’s not her fault… it’s all because of me… that Sister would make such a decision…”
The door to the room is softly pushed open. However, the whispered noise causes Jie Ni’s hand to pause at the door, as she listens — and raises her head in shock, her expression mirroring that of the accompanying Shen Qiang.
“It’s because of me… that Sister would marry Ou Chen… Ou Chen used his kidney as an exchange… as long as Sister married him… then he would be willing to give his kidney to me… so… their marriage is only an agreement…”
Shen Qiang is dumbfounded by what she hears; she does not dare believe her ears. Her heart makes a thump and she cannot even articulate what she is feeling.
“I think… that Sister does love you… otherwise she wouldn’t always smile at you like she did… wouldn’t have such a hurt expression… after seeing you each time afterward… Brother Luo Xi… Sister is used to hiding everything… she never says what she’s really feeling…” Pause. “Brother Luo Xi… if you still love Sister… please get better… do you know… that she’s sick… she’s really, really sick… just like how you’re in a coma right now…”
BEEP.
BEEP.
The heart monitor steadily emits. Luo Xi quietly lies on the bed; he has lost a lot of weight and there is no color to his lips. He is the sleeping prince, but the princess who can wake him can no longer return.
“Sister has always struggled everyday… even though she may come across as being as strong as an unflappable tree… but she gets tired too… and she needs rest… I may not be able to stay with her much longer… Brother Luo Xi… please get better soon… from now on… you’ll have to take care of her for me… okay…”
A long time passes.
Finally, Xiao Cheng tiredly gets up but before leaving, he glances one last time at Luo Xi’s sleeping face…
Jie Ni is still standing at the door and seeing Xiao Cheng walk by in front of her, she opens her mouth to ask him, to clarify what exactly he meant by everything – but then seeing the despondent expression on his face, she says nothing.
Shen Qiang numbly walks over to Luo Xi’s bed. She cannot even begin to process what she has just heard; it just is too unrealistic to grasp.
And Luo Xi… did he hear any of it…
*******
Ou Chen continues to watch over Xia Mo, having gone days and nights without rest now and stubble has begun to gather on his face. Having refused the nurse’s assistance, he personally places the wet towel on Xia Mo’s forehead although it is nearly dislodged due to her feverish thrashing.
Her body continues to be so very hot. Like a furnace that keeps burning forever.
“Xia Mo…”
He lightly traces her face with his finger and it is as if the burning desperation inside of her transmits to him, splitting his heart open piece by piece.
He still has lost… Ou Chen’s finger tenses.
Whenever he faces her, he always loses pathetically. Even when happiness is easily within reach, he still loses. She is now his wife, he can be by her side forever, take care of her, make her happy… no one else has the right to split them apart!
But… seeing her unconscious and tortured expression, he knows that he has once again completely lost… everything he has done, the happiness he manipulated and fought for so desperately… it was all for nothing…
“Ah… ah…”
Xia Mo’s eyes suddenly open wide!
“Xia Mo!”
“Mommy…”
“You…”
Originally, Ou Chen couldn’t believe his eyes as she hasn’t woken up once these past few days. However, he realizes that she is currently blankly staring at the ceiling, the cold towel thrown to the side, sweat pouring down her face as she cries out hoarsely.
“How are you doing? I’m going to get the doctor!”
“Mommy!!”
Ou Chen rushes to grab her hand, and Xia Mo moves her gaze from the ceiling to him. She intently stares at him and two tears slowly make their way down her face. Those tears become streams and suddenly she is openly crying, crying like a six or seven year old little girl.
“Mommy… Mommy…”
“Xia Mo! Xia Mo!”
Ou Chen is besides himself in a panic, unable to see her so distraught. He would give everything in the world to be able to take her pain for himself.
“Mommy… Xiao Cheng… is going to die… save Xiao Cheng… Mommy… please… save Xiao Cheng… what do I do without Xiao Cheng… you’ve all left… and it’s just me now… I’m really scared… Mommy… please… save Xiao Cheng…”
“Xiao Cheng will not die.”
His hand painfully gripped by hers, Ou Chen stares intently back at Xia Mo, his voice hoarse.
“I swear to you! Xiao Cheng will no die.”
“Why are you punishing Xiao Cheng… it’s my fault… everything was my responsibility… Mommy… I did a lot of things wrong… If I hadn’t let Yin Daddy let Luo Xi stay… no… if I had let Luo Xi stay… Xiao Cheng wouldn’t have gotten sick… and then he wouldn’t have needed to go to the hospital… and he wouldn’t have gotten in the car accident…” Pause. “If I hadn’t blamed Ou Chen… if I hadn’t used my life to hurt him… then I wouldn’t have been caught… and caused Xiao Cheng to be left out in the rain… making his health even worse… Do you see… Mommy… it’s all my fault… But why… is Xiao Cheng the one being punished… and not me… they got it all wrong… Mommy… please… you’re in Heaven… you go tell them… the one who should die should be me! Not Xiao Cheng… not Xiao Cheng…”
“Xia Mo, wake up!”
Ou Chen grasps her by the shoulders, frantically shaking her, trying to wake her from her feverish murmurings. Her body is burning hot, each tear streaming down her face burning into his heart. She cannot stop shaking as if she does not hear a word he says.
Suddenly, she stops and looks at him. “You… are you dead too…”
Gently pushing him away, she stares right through him, as if looking somewhere far away.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t know you would commit suicide… I thought… you would just hate me… and then forget me… Luo Xi… You’re dead, aren’t you… so… you came to see me one last time… does it hurt… even if you hate me… but doing it like that… it must have hurt a lot, right…”
The tears continue to silently fall.
“I didn’t know… I really didn’t know… that you would choose to use death to punish me… how can you be so cruel…”
She suddenly breaks out into a crazed laugh.
“So… Luo Xi… this is my punishment… right… I caused you pain because of Xiao Cheng… and so God is taking Xiao Cheng away… to punish me…”
“Then… are you punishing me?!”
Ou Chen cries out, the pain and sourness in his heart causing him to momentarily forget that she is currently running a high fever, and he grasps her by the shoulders again, forcing her to open her eyes again, desperation and heartache in his voice.
“Because I used marriage to force you! Because I wasn’t willing to just give my kidney to Xiao Cheng! So all of this happened! Luo Xi’s suicide, Xiao Cheng refusing the surgery – it’s all because of my own selfishness! So you’re punishing me now?!”
Something in Ou Chen’s cries freezes her, piercing through her hazy mind. She stares back at him woodenly. A sliver of clarity appears in her mind although she continues to be in a dream world. She doesn’t know what he is saying but yet the transparent pain in his eyes breaks her own heart.
“Selfishness… who else… could be more selfish than me… for Xiao Cheng… I sacrificed everyone else… knowing it would hurt Luo Xi… knowing that such a marriage… would only bring you pain… knowing that even if Xiao Cheng has the surgery… he could still leave anytime… and I still wanted your kidney…”
“I don’t care…”
Ou Chen purses his lips, watching those tears on her face. In this moment, is she crying for him? Even in her feverish state, there may still be a tiny, tiny spot for him in her heart? Then… that can be worth a life’s worth of happiness…
“You didn’t do anything wrong… the one who was wrong is me… Xia Mo, I wanted too badly to have you… I held onto you too tightly… and so caused you so much pain…”
He gently wipes away her tears. And then, he lightly enfolds her into his warmth; he does not hold onto her as tightly as before but very lightly, so lightly that she only has to twist away to gain her freedom to leave.
But she no longer has any strength left and she weakly leans against his strength, her body still running hot and cold. Xiao Cheng’s words continue to flit through her mind –
……………………..
So Brother Luo Xi can go die then… Brother Luo Xi has already tried to kill himself because of that wedding! He’s lying in that hospital bed waiting to be saved! You’re not afraid that he really will die?!
And Brother Ou Chen… for me… he has to give up his kidney… which will impact his health for the rest of his life… for me… do we really have to sacrifice so many people…
…But… I won’t accept the surgery… Sister… no matter what you say… I… will not… accept the surgery…
………………
………………………………..
Perhaps… this is better…
Xiao Cheng won’t be alone…
Mommy won’t be alone…
And Luo Xi won’t be alone…
Against Ou Chen’s chest, Xia Mo faints again, her eyes tightly closed shut and her face a deathly white. She can feel the burning in her bones, as if her life is currently burning away in there… perhaps she will simply burn away into ashes…
If she dies too… then she can be with them forever…
But… Ou Chen… he will be by himself…
*******
The door is quietly shut, footsteps echoing softly in the hallway. Ou Chen walks out, his face completely devoid of emotion, only his tightly lips are tightly clenched and his eyes an endless chasm.
In the middle of the hallway is a lonely figure.
Xiao Cheng dumbly stares at the ground, his hands uselessly pulling at his own hair. He doesn’t know what to do, it is as if God is playing some big joke on him, wanting him to choose between letting his Sister’s fever continue to burn or sacrificing her life’s happiness… Which decision is the right one…
The footsteps stop in front of Xiao Cheng.
“Please take care of your sister for me.”
Xiao Cheng looks up in surprise, not because Ou Chen is finally leaving after spending the past few days at the hospital but because he would actually ask him to take care of his own sister. That’s his sister and without Ou Chen even saying, of course…
Suddenly, bitterness washes over his heart. He has forgotten, Ou Chen is now his sister’s husband and is Sister’s “closest” relative…
“Okay.” As Xiao Cheng watches him, the bitterness becomes more intense. These past few days Ou Chen has watched over his Sister day in and day out; Xiao Cheng has known since he was little that Ou Chen’s feelings for Sister are deep and real.
If not for using the surgery as an exchange for marriage, he would have blessed Ou Chen and his Sister, and would have congratulated Ou Chen on finally having a happy ending to so many years of loving Sister.
But yet… as Xiao Cheng watches Ou Chen’s departing figure, the loneliness emitting from him causes Xiao Cheng to catch his own breath in sadness.
In the room. Xia Mo continues to lie there comatose, the fever causing her to shake every now and then. However, her thrashing has significantly decreased now, as if she has already long given up, her face covered in hopeless tears.
Xiao Cheng sits by her bedside, lightly wiping away her tears even as his own stream down his face.
“Sister… what should I do…”
*******
That same night.
Luo Xi lies on the bed, his pale hand lying uselessly on top of the bed covers. He appears dead, if not for the life support machine that he is currently hooked up to, causing his chest to very slowly rise up and down.
Shen Qiang watches over him.
“Yin Xia Mo’s little brother came to see you today… he said some things that you must have heard… then why aren’t you waking up… He said that the one Yin Xia Mo loves is you… He said that the marriage was only an agreement between Yin Xia Mo and Ou Chen… He asked you to take care of his sister for him…”
The night is silent. Only the steady beeping of the hospital machinery.
“Perhaps… it’s better if you don’t wake up… I heard that Yin Xia Mo is sick too and has been running a high fever for the past few days… Perhaps she feels guilty because of your suicide… If you can’t ever wake up again… she will never get better either…”
“I think… you must hate her…”
“Then let her go with you and leave this world together…”
*******
In the middle of the night.
Xia Mo’s fever continues to burn and Xiao Cheng uses a cold towel to gently wipe her face.
*******
Shen Qiang is fast asleep by the bed.
As if blown by a gentle breeze, one of Luo Xi’s finger begins to twitch a little.
*******
The next morning around 10 o’clock, Ou Chen returns to the hospital.
“You’re refusing the surgery because you don’t want to use Xia Mo’s marriage as a condition, right?”
Ou Chen looks like he has not slept another night and the previous stubble from yesterday has grown even more. As he stares intently at Xiao Cheng, the latter does not say anything, and instead directs his gaze outside the window.
“These are the divorce papers I’ve already signed.”
A thin document appears in front of Xiao Cheng, the sunlight reflecting off the black ink of the signature. Xiao Cheng looks at it in shock before looking up at Ou Chen, who continues on hoarsely.
“As long as you agree to the surgery, these divorce papers will be in your keeping. My marriage with Xia Mo… can end anytime…”
Chapter 9
“If there are no problems, please sign this paperwork.”
Ou Chen places the divorce papers on the bedside table and then pulls out another set of documents to give to Xiao Cheng. The top of the paperwork reads, “Surgery Acknowledgement.”
“No!” Xiao Cheng wildly shakes his head.
“What else do you want? Say it. As long as you agree to go through with the surgery, no matter what your request, I will do it.”
“Why…? Everything you did… it was so that you could be with Sister, right? Then why are you signing divorce papers? Why are you still giving your kidney to me?
Ou Chen does not say anything.
“No, I won’t agree to the surgery. I can’t take away your kidney and let you lose Sister; that’s too unfair to you. If Sister found out… she wouldn’t be comfortable…”
“Then, do you want to watch her die?”
“Sister is not going to die! She’s just sick with a fever! She’ll be better… she’ll be better very soon!”
“You know what you mean to her! You know why she suddenly got so sick! If you really care about her, what you can do is to accept the surgery! Become healthy again and then stay by her side forever! Don’t worry about the stuff that has nothing to do with you! Sign!”
Ou Chen shoves the pen into Xiao Cheng’s hand, his lips grim, fire dancing in his eyes crazily.
“No…” Guilt and shame does not allow Xiao Cheng to make a decision and he sets the pen back down.
“Then I beg you, please sign it, please take my kidney, please… save Xia Mo!”
“Ou Chen…”
The pain in Ou Chen’s voice takes Xiao Cheng aback. Ever since he was little, Ou Chen was always so intimidating and superior; this person with his lowered head who is currently pleading with him… is this really Ou Chen?
“All the pain that she is currently in is because of my doing, and the only thing that I can do now, is to go through with the surgery. As for you, I am not asking you to forgive me; that isn’t important to me. However, I hope that you can give me a chance to make it up to her.”
Ou Chen places the pen back into Xiao Cheng’s hand and like someone possessed, he mindlessly signs his name onto the surgery paperwork.
“Thank you!”
Relief instantly spreads across Ou Chen’s face and he hurriedly gathers the paperwork before leaving, as if afraid that Xiao Cheng may change his mind again.
That “thank you” twists Xiao Cheng’s heart. Shouldn’t he be the one thanking him instead? How did it all end up flipped the other way? Xiao Cheng watches the relieved Ou Chen leave.
“Ou Chen, you really, really love Sister, don’t you?”
*******
The morning sunlight dances off Luo Xi’s face. His eyes slowly open.
He stares up at the ceiling, as if finally waking up from a long dream, unsure if he is currently still in a dream or whether his memory of the past was the real dream.
………………….
Can I beg you to not marry him…
But… you’re so cool and composed… you would never change on my account… Xia Mo, what can I do… if for me, will you not marry Ou Chen?
Unfortunately, it won’t work… In the cold, bitter wind, her voice is like a biting and sharp needle.
Because… I love him…
I love Ou Chen…
…………………………………….
……………………..
His lips cracked and dry, he closes his eyes. Why is he still alive, why didn’t Death take him away, why does he continue to be tormented by those haunting memories? His heart has already been numbed by the pain and yet each wave of crushing hopelessness takes him back into the darkness.
“Luo Xi…”
Jie Ni worriedly says his name. Although Luo Xi has finally waken from coma, the doctor informed her and Shen Qiang that his will to live is dangerously low, which does not bode well for the healing progress. In fact, if they are not able to get his resolve back up, even if he does make it out this time, he may choose to commit suicide again in the near future.
Shen Qiang looks at the hopeless expression on Luo Xi’s face and although her heart sours, she neutrally informs Luo Xi.
“Yin Xia Mo and her brother came to visit you; do you remember?”
The hand on the bed lightly twitches.
In his hazy dream, he had thought he had seen her shadow but before he could thank her, she had disappeared…
Did she really come… it wasn’t just a dream…
Why would she still come to see him… doesn’t she no longer care about him at all… she loves… Ou Chen… doesn’t she… she already married Ou Chen…
“Her brother came by himself, and he sat by your bedside and told you…” Shen Qiang tightly clenches her hands into a death grip before forcing herself to continue on. “… he said that the one Yin Xia Mo likes is you… Yin Xia Mo married Ou Chen for her brother, that Ou Chen used his own kidney as a bargaining chip, that as long as Yin Xia Mo married Ou Chen, he would then go through with the surgery…”
His lips turn even whiter, and his eyes fly open, his breathing speeding up. Then, it wasn’t a hallucination, Xiao Cheng’s words in his dream state…
“So… that marriage was only an exchange…” Pause. “But, in that exchange, she still chose to give you up!”
“Luo Xi!”
Jie Ni stares at Luo Xi’s reaction in shock. She does not know how he has mustered such strength, but he suddenly sits up ramrod-straight in bed and then falls to the ground, knocking over the IV drip in his haste.
“What are you doing?!”
Jie Ni rushes to his side, trying to help support him and trying to call for the doctor at the same time.
“I… have to see her…”
His heart pounding in his chest, there is a glow of light burning in Luo Xi’s eyes, as if amongst the ashes of death, there is still a sliver of hope left.
*******
Xiao Cheng is going through with the surgery!
Zhen En does not dare to believe the news; why would he suddenly change his mind? She is ecstatic and yet torn at the same time but seeing the solemn Ou Chen and solemn Xiao Cheng wearing the exact same expressions, she does not dare to ask them.
The preparations are readied quickly and the surgery begins that afternoon.
“Sister, I’m going into surgery now. You sleep for a little while longer; after the surgery is done, I’ll come back to keep you company.”
“Xia Mo, don’t worry, the surgery will be very successful!”
Zhen En infuses her words with as much excitement as possible, as if a kidney surgery was nothing but a minor thing. Xia Mo lies there quietly, as if she cannot hear a single word. Ou Chen gently places her hand back underneath the blanket and then warmly readjusts the blanket to cover her. After checking to make sure that she is as comfortable as possible, does his gaze finally move from her.
“During the surgery, please take good care of her.”
“Yes…”
Zhen En’s heart stills for a moment and she worriedly looks over at Xiao Cheng, filled with a sense of foreboding. If she’s not able to stand by the operation room, she’s afraid that she won’t be able to rest. However, neither does she want to leave Xia Mo all by herself here.
She suddenly realizes that the surgery is taking place on the same floor and as long as she takes all of the seats in the hallway, she can still see everything happening in the operation room just by standing in the doorway of Xia Mo’s room!
“Okay, don’t worry!”
The door to the room softly closes, leaving Zhen En alone with Xia Mo. After watching Xia Mo for a long time, Zhen En bites her lip and starts in remorse.
“I’m sorry… I always cause trouble… If I tried to stop you from the very beginning… If I told you about Luo Xi’s phone call… If I didn’t carelessly talk about the truth and allowed Xiao Cheng to accidentally hear… maybe everything wouldn’t have become so messy… and you wouldn’t have gotten so sick…”
“I’m sorry… Even though I’m your friend… but it’s like I can’t do anything to help you… while you are always taking care of me… If it was Pan Nan… she would be able to help you… I am the world’s most useless person…”
“If after you wake up… because you can’t stand me… and want to stop being friends… that would be my just punishment… but, why won’t you wake up now? Xiao Cheng and Ou Chen are going into the surgery soon… will the surgery be dangerous… aren’t you worried at all?”
“Xia Mo… I know… the surgery isn’t that simple, right… I’ve seen you and the doctor talking, even though you didn’t say anything to me, but… there’s a risk to the surgery, isn’t there…”
The more she thinks about it, the more she worries, and finally Zhen En can no longer sit still. Opening the door slightly ajar so as to avoid letting a draft in, Zhen En walks out into the hallway so that she can see the entrance to the operation room.
A crowd of doctors and nurses rush by. Some of those doctors Zhen En recognize while some others are internationally-renowned doctors who were explicitly invited to help in the surgery. Xiao Cheng’s doctor also follows suit, the seriousness of her face worrying Zhen En.
After awhile, Ou Chen is wheeled into the room on a bed.
After awhile, Xiao Cheng is also wheeled into the room.
The doors to the operation room close.
Zhen En nervously bites at her lip, staring at those closed doors, her heartbeat steadily increasing. She glances back at the comatose Xia Mo and as if sensing the tenseness of the atmosphere, her body has begun its slight shaking again.
God, please let the surgery be successful!
Zhen En clasps her hands in front of her chest, praying with all her might!
*******
“See her…”
A pale-faced Luo Xi struggles to get down from his bed, the doctors and nurses try to restrain him, telling him that his health is extremely poor right now and he needs to be resting in bed for at least a few more days. However, Luo Xi hears none of this, only three things ringing endlessly in his head – kidney, exchange and marriage – as they are fast going to make him go crazy!
“I want… to see her…”
Amidst the nurses’ protests, Luo Xi clumsily rips off the IV drip and is instantly dizzy. He stumbles towards the door on weak legs while Jie Ni holds him upright, trying to change his mind.
“Let’s see Senior Xia Mo in a few days, you… you may scare Senior Xia Mo right now… why don’t you wait until your health is a little better…”
He wants to see her! He wants to know exactly what happened!
This need is about to make him crazy, no, he cannot stop, he has to see her, he has to know what happened! This urge fuels him and suddenly filled with an incredible strength, he pushes away Jie Ni’s hands and rushes towards the door, grasping that cold doorknob and then yanking with all his might!
An empty wheelchair waits outside.
“I’ll take you.”
Shen Qiang is standing outside the door, her hands on the wheelchair.
“But Ms. Shen… his body…”
“If we don’t let him go, he may just die again.”
*******
Surrounded by an intense fire.
The figures around her are hazy and the sounds muffled. She reaches out to grasp onto them but they scatter like bubbles. It is like they are playing with her, no matter how hard she runs or how much she tries to look, she cannot catch onto anything within reach. But when she is about ready to give up, those figures come back to her as if trying to say something important to her but she cannot understand a word of it…
Xia Mo tosses and turns on the bed, sweat pouring off her forehead and her hand begins to fist and uncurl, fist and uncurl… the rise of her chest becomes more pronounced.
Zhen En doesn’t notice the change in Xia Mo, her attention riveted on the operation room. The surgery has already been going on for some time now and yet the door has not opened once, and no doctors or nurses have come out… This should mean that the surgery is going successfully, right… She begins pacing back and forth, nervously chanting a prayer to the Heavens – God, please let the surgery go smoothly!
Suddenly – the doors open!
A nurses rushes out of the room, her expression causing unease in anyone who saw it. Zhen En remembers; this was the nurse who had originally gone in with Xiao Cheng!
*******
Operation room.
The sound of the surgical scissors become hurried as the heart monitor emits a warning noise! The whiteness of Xiao Cheng has become paper-thin and as the head surgeon looks back at the monitor, he quickly picks up his pace.
“Blood pressure 70 – 40!”
“60 – 30!”
“50 – 20!”
“His blood pressure’s going down!”
The room instantly tenses up and the doctors all stop their work. The nurse continues to wipe at the sweat of the head surgeon who also pauses.
“Inject the adrenal glands!”
When that same nurse runs back into the operation room with an unfamiliar-looking doctor, Zhen En has already rushed over from Xia Mo’s room! Her mind brimming with horrific scenarios, she anxiously grabs onto the nurse.
“How’s the surgery going? Is something wrong?!”
“The patient’s life monitor is displaying some unusual signs; we’re currently doing everything we can, please move out of the way!”
Xiao Cheng… Xiao Cheng…
*******
“Blood pressure 45 – 15!”
“Continue the injection of the adrenal glands!”
“Blood pressure 40 – 10!”
“Increase the dosage!”
*******
“Xiao Cheng!!”
As if emerging from a horrible nightmare, the urgency of her struggles causes Xia Mo’s body to snap reflexively! Sweat covers her face as if she has just come from the bottom of the water and as she dumbly sits up in bed, her lingering fear of the nightmare causes her to momentarily be confused with her whereabouts. She had seen Xiao Cheng in her dream, his body so thin that it appeared transparent and no matter how hard she tried to catch a hold of him, he would slip out of her grasp, as if he was saying good bye to her…
“Xiao Cheng…”
Xia Mo takes in her surroundings, clearly realizing that this is a patient’s room but the room is completely devoid of anyone else, and it is definitely not Xiao Cheng’s room! What is she doing here? A convoluted slideshow of memories seems to run through her brain but she brushes them aside; she has no time to think about those right now! She has to see Xiao Cheng! She has to see that Xiao Cheng is still doing okay!
Her legs are completely weak. The instant Xia Mo’s feet touch the ground, she falls to the ground!
She rips the IV drip away and heaves herself back up, her vision going blurry as she leans heavily against the wall. She doesn’t know what level this is but instinctively tries to make her way towards an elevator.
Zhen En frighteningly sits in front of the operation room, her hands nervously gripping at one another, trying desperately to control the shaking of her body. What does she mean that a life monitor is displaying unusual signs; is Xiao Cheng in danger? Xiao Cheng… Xiao Cheng…
She starts softly crying. And the cries become more pronounced; she’s so useless, she can’t help with anything, all she knows how to do is cause trouble after trouble, if she hadn’t said anything, Xiao Cheng would have already gone through with the surgery many days ago…
“You… why are you crying…”
A teary-faced Zhen En does not dare believe her own ears and she raises her head in shock. The sunlight in the background causes the approaching figure to appear ghostlike, as if it is just a mirage standing there. A pair of eyes stares back into hers, fear and vulnerability chasing one another in them.
“Xia Mo –!”
Zhen En cries out, rushing towards her to help her sit back down on the bench, using her hand to test Xia Mo’s temperature on her forehead. Although there is sweat there, Zhen En’s hand comes away cold, meaning that the fever has completely burned itself out.
“When did you wake up? Why did you come out here by yourself? Let me take you back!”
“… Xiao Cheng? Why are you here? Why… are you crying?”
As Xia Mo looks at Zhen En’s tear-stained face, clarity begins returning to her as her memories begin to piece themselves back together, including her falling unconscious and then hearing their conversations. Xiao Cheng and Ou Chen are currently in the surgery, right? But Zhen En’s fear and her tears, unless…
“Has something gone wrong with the surgery?”
“…… No, the surgery is going along very smoothly; I’m just sitting here and freaking myself out with the waiting, and so I started crying. Xia Mo, let me take you back; you were just running a high fever and so you need rest.”
“Really…”
Xia Mo stares unblinkingly at the lit-up “Operation Room,” these two bright red words like two red eyes. And that dream of a fading Xiao Cheng comes back to Xia Mo’s mind…
“Then, don’t cry…” Xia Mo tightly holds onto Zhen En’s hand, her eyes tightly closed. “They’re in a surgery right now… they need to be taken care of… we cannot cry…”
The time passes by with each minute… each second…
Zhen En paces back and forth restlessly, her hands nervously fisting at each other as she bites down nervously on her lips. Xia Mo sits up completely straight, not leaning against the wall or against the chair, waiting as if her life depended on it.
In the operation room, Ou Chen and Xiao Cheng are only separated by a curtain, both of them unconscious due to the anesthesia. The doctors have already begun to close up Ou Chen’s wound while the other doctors nervously keep track of Xiao Cheng’s blood pressure and heart monitor for any changes –
“Blood pressure is rising again!”
“50 – 20!”
“60 – 30!”
“70 – 40!”
“90 – 60!”
“Blood pressure has returned to normal!”
“Okay, let’s continue with the procedure. Keep track of any changes in blood pressure!”
The sound of the surgical scissors are heard again as the doctors proceed. Xiao Cheng continues to lie there quietly.
The time passes by with each minute… each second… The afternoon sunlight has already lowered itself back behind the mountains and sunset bathes the hospital hallway in a soft, red light. Zhen En has now cemented herself directly in front of the operation room, relentlessly tapping her foot, wanting to rush straight in there! Xia Mo never moves her gaze away from the lit-up “Operation Room” sign.
On the other end of the hallway, the numbers on the elevator begin to suddenly move – 1, 2, 3 – and then – DING!
The elevator stops at that floor and smoothly opens. A wheelchair is pushed out, a thin and weak figure sitting in it…
PING!
The doors to the operation room open! Zhen En starts jumping up and down, and rushes forward! Xia Mo also stands up although she struggles to overcome a sudden wave of dizziness that hits her, nervousness and fear causing her to have trouble breathing. Her legs numbly carry her forward, and she can see that the doctors and nurses are pushing a sick bed out, the person lying on it still unconscious from anesthesia.
“Doctor! How did the surgery go! Was it successful?! Xiao Cheng… how’s Xiao Cheng doing!”
Briefly hearing Zhen En’s rapid firing of questions, Xia Mo grasps onto the sick bed, her blurry vision causing her unable to clearly see who the patient is…
“The surgery was relatively successful; Yin Cheng’s surgery still needs about one to two hours more before completion but you don’t have to worry. As for Ou Chen, he needs to be closely monitored for a little while longer but his health is good, so there shouldn’t be any problem.”
“That’s great…” Zhen En grabs Xia Mo in a big hug, tears of joy bubbling up in her eyes. “That’s so great… The doctor said the surgery was successful… I had thought… I had thought…”
The darkness in front of her eyes begins to slowly clear and after being endlessly suspended in the air, her heart finally begins to settle back down as if she has spent days upon days relentlessly running a marathon and now can finally see that finish line right in front of her. Xia Mo shakily takes in a deep breath and the person lying on that sick bed comes clearly into focus for her –
It is Ou Chen.
His normally confident and royal complexion sallowed, he peacefully lies there, his thin lips set in a straight and narrow line, as if he has never truly experienced happiness before. And what brief happiness that has been given to him has only brought him even more heartache. He is like a stubborn little child, no matter how much pain he experiences, he will only set his teeth and bear it.
His kidney… has been given to Xiao Cheng…
Tightly holding onto the railing of the bed, she walks along with the nurses, helping to push Ou Chen down the hallway. She suddenly senses the proximity of his own hand by hers, alone and isolated, separated only by the distance of that thin blanket.
The bed is gently pushed down the hallway. The soft red light of the sunset enshrouds Ou Chen and Xia Mo’s lowered head together, so they appear as one. Her attention is so focused on him that she never even notices the long figure at the other end of the hallway.
Luo Xi sits in his wheelchair. His shadow is stretched out endlessly.
She is holding onto Ou Chen’s bed as she walks right in front of him, her head lowered, her long hair falling gently down her face. She has lost a lot of weight, her chin has become sharpened, her eyes reddened and there is a shimmer of wet tears on her eyelashes.
He stares intently at her. And yet she is so focused on Ou Chen that she never even notices his presence.
His throat catches as he stretches out his hand towards her.
That hand is suspended in the air – whether to catch onto her or to make her notice him, he doesn’t even know. He can only feel his body becoming encased in coldness, a coldness that even surpasses the moment in which he had been at Death’s door.
And all she can see is Ou Chen.
Luo Xi’s hand remains frozen in the air, his entire body frozen like a statue that is slowly being blown away to dust by the wind…
*******
The middle of the night.
Finally unable to take the fact that she hasn’t slept in so many days, Zhen En has gone home to rest, leaving Xia Mo to stand alone outside the patient observation room, watching over Xiao Cheng and Ou Chen.
Both of them are connected to various machines, both are so pale and weak, and both are deep in a coma-like state, the IV drips steadily feeding into their veins while the monitors beep consistently.
The surgery was successful. The doctors said that as long as they can make it past this probationary period, there shouldn’t be any problem.
Xia Mo suddenly feels like she is in a dream. Although Xiao Cheng is a warmhearted person, he is also extremely stubborn; she had thought that he would never accept the surgery. Why was it that the instant she woke from her dream, Xiao Cheng had already gone into the operation room? She had thought that there was no more hope left.
It was her selfishness that hurt both Luo Xi and Ou Chen, so God decided to take Xiao Cheng away from her to punish her. She had already lost all hope, and had no more strength left to fight or struggle but once she woke up, everything had changed.
Xiao Cheng’s surgery has now been successfully completed.
And Luo Xi…
Luo Xi…
After accompanying Ou Chen to the observation room, she had hurried back to wait for Xiao Cheng’s surgery to finish. In the dimming sunlight, the presence of Luo Xi sitting in a wheelchair had been like a lightning bolt, completely shocking her!
His eyes like black pearls had been steadily staring off into space.
His pasty pallor and skinny figure was like a fallen cherry blossom that had been relentlessly blown by the winds during the night, color completely leeched away. His complexion was so transparent that it was frightening. His two hands rested lightly on his knees.
The bandage from his right hand had already been removed, and a long and jagged scar now marred his right wrist.
She dumbly stands in place. Her mind is completely blank – life and death, love and hate intertwined. In a moment they had been separated by two different worlds and yet when they met again, everything was no longer the same anymore.
Luo Xi sits quietly in the wheelchair. He does not say a word to her. As if he no longer recognizes her.
It seems that he came only for Xiao Cheng. When Xiao Cheng was finally pushed out of the operation room and the doctors had informed them of its success, Luo Xi had disappeared into the night.
In that instant, while she had been holding onto the bed of Xiao Cheng, she had tightly closed her eyes…
She has no right to look at him. She not only deeply wounded Luo Xi but she also did the same to Ou Chen… Even if she were to chase after him, what could she possibly say now?
Ou Chen no longer has a kidney. And she is now Ou Chen’s wife.
She no longer has the right to feel pain for another man.
*******
Xia Mo takes a deep breath, watching the two men lying in the observation room.
One is her little brother.
One is her husband.
They are her relatives, they are her life and her world. If desperation and remorse had caused her to want to give up before, now she must use twice the effort to watch over them.
*******
Lying in the observation room, Ou Chen’s eyebrows begin to twitch slightly before he slowly opens his eyes. He sees Xia Mo standing directly outside the window and the moment his eyes lock with hers, he feels his blood suddenly stilling, the depth in her eyes like the ocean and bringing a feeling of warmth…
He watches her through that pane of glass…
She is like a mirage.
Deeply.
Intensely.
He watches her, not daring to breathe, afraid that the lightest of breaths will blow away her illusion…
*******
The window to the patient room is opened.
A light breeze blows through, causing Luo Xi’s hospital gown to gently flutter in the air as he sits by that window.
Shen Qiang quietly stands behind him, pain and sourness in her heart, not knowing whether this pain is because of Luo Xi or because of herself. In front of the operation room, she had been completely invisible. Even though she had just been standing directly behind Luo Xi in his wheelchair, both Luo Xi and Xia Mo had not seen her.
Their world only has each other…
She had always assumed that Yin Xia Mo was the one who had forsaken Luo Xi; Yin Xia Mo is the most cold-blooded and emotionless woman she has ever met in this world. But the Yin Xia Mo that she had seen today, so pale and frail that she had even seemed weaker than Luo Xi, it is as if the Yin Xia Mo she known before was only a mask. That once that outer, strong and composed mask was stripped away, she is really much more vulnerable.
Which one is the real Yin Xia Mo…
The one whom she used to see in the past… Or this one whom she doesn’t know at all…
However, no matter which Yin Xia Mo, it appears that neither are suited to be with Luo Xi. The same habits mean the perfect ruse; the same habits mean that both people will be careful to maintain a cool distance; the same habits will mean that they both will hide their vulnerabilities deep within themselves… Such two people will only bring about mutual coldness and will never be able to provide warmth for the other person.
The moonlight splays across Luo Xi.
He sits quietly in the wheelchair, completely motionless, and his face devoid of any expression.
*******
After the surgery, Ou Chen spent one night in the observation room and seeing no cause for concern, was then moved to a regular patient room. When he finally woke up again, it was the afternoon, the sunlight spraying directly across his face. Her face was even warmer than the sunlight, as she lowers her head towards him in concern. She gently uses a warm towel to wipe his face and hands and seeing him struggle to sit up, attentively readjusts his pillow so that he may lean against the headboard.
“Are you hungry? Why don’t you eat something?” She brings over a warm container and opens it, the aroma of fresh congee wafts through the air.
Is she better now? The first time he saw her standing outside the window may not have been his imagination but then the second time, in the middle of the night… was that his imagination?
Ou Chen stares intently at Xia Mo.
“The congee was made personally by Young Mistress.”
A familiar voice rings through the air, and only when Ou Chen raises his head does he notice Butler Shen also standing in the room. He had not informed Butler Shen of this surgery so Xia Mo must have told him the news.
“Young Mistress asked to use the hospital kitchen, and personally made you the congee while watching over you. Please eat more, Young Master.”
There is a suspicious tinge of moisture in Butler Shen’s eyes, although it is unclear whether it is from worry over the weakened Young Master or from gratitude for Young Mistress taking such obvious care of Young Master.
“The doctor said you can only have liquids right now, so I made you some rice congee; just drink the soup and you’ll be fine.” Xia Mo blows gently on the spoon of congee before bringing it to Ou Chen’s mouth. “Eat as much as you can; it’ll help you get better faster.”
For some reason though, Ou Chen does not open his mouth, his eyes dark like the night. Xia Mo is startled.
“Do you not like it? But, I remembered…” A long time, he had caught a really bad cold and a high fever, refusing to eat anything except for rice congee, and so she had thought it was it was one of his favorites.
“Oh, I know…” Xia Mo laughs lightly. “You like to have a little sugar in your rice congee; it tastes better sweetened, right? But the doctor said that you can’t have anything sweet right after the surgery because you might get high blood sugar. Just be patient for now; I’ll cook you even more later to make it up to you.”
Her voice is so gentle. Just like a sweet wife trying to soothe a grumbling husband…
The two nurses in the room blush as they look at each other, lightly chuckling. Butler Shen shoots them both a look and the two nurses leave the room. He also backs out discretely, lightly closing the door.
Xia Mo carefully feeds Ou Chen spoon after spoon, not making a single drop of mess. Ou Chen silently watches her as she tucks the container away and then lightly wipes at his mouth with a napkin.
“You don’t have to do this…”
Ou Chen’s voice comes out hoarse. Now that the surgery is over, their lives no longer have any reason to be connected; her caring and warmth will only cause him further pain later when she is no longer in his life.
“Sleep a little more and when you can get out of bed, we can take a stroll through the gardens to get some fresh air.”
Xia Mo acts as if she did not hear anything, placing the pillow back down on the bed and then warmly covering him with the blanket.
“Sleep; I’ll stay with you.”
*******
The next day, Xia Mo is able to get the doctor’s approval to take Ou Chen outside. Slowly pushing his wheelchair through the grass, the winds gently blow through the air, and her fragrance flutters into his body.
“You were running a high fever a few days ago…”
“It’s all better now.” Pause. “I know, I must have worried you all sick and I probably said a bunch of weird things too.”
“Xia Mo…”
“But no matter what, let’s let the past stay in the past, okay?” Pause. “Look, let’s go sit by that tree over there.”
*******
They pass the observation room on their way back to the room.
Xiao Cheng has finally woken up from the anesthesia and a nurse is currently checking his blood pressure and replacing his bandaging. Although still obviously weakened, his smile is exuberant as he catches sight of Xia Mo and Ou Chen through the window, waving enthusiastically.
Xia Mo smiles in return, waving back.
Ou Chen watches their reflection in the window, seeing his image next to Xia Mo’s… a feeling that he and she are now a family that cannot be broken apart…
Chapter 10
It is spring at the Ou house, with lush green gardens while faraway a few trees have already began to turn red, its leaves fluttering to the ground and lightly scattering.
Much to the kitchen maid’s distress, Xia Mo is busily tending to the cooking herself. When the kitchen maid anxiously reaches for the spoon, Xia Mo gently brushes her off and instead asks her to check on the progress of the main cook. Don’t forget to make sure that nothing spicy is added to the meal!
After some time, Xia Mo finally turns off the stove and makes sure to cover the soup so as to keep it warm. Looking up and outside the kitchen window, she can see the two figures below one of the garden trees. In the daylight, those two figures seem so peaceful there.
She watches them peacefully, a light smile playing on her lips. Who would have thought that the days would go by so fast; it’s already been a month since Ou Chen and Xiao Cheng have been released from the hospital.
Every day she takes care of their daily activities and their meals, watching them slowly become more and more healthier – and her heart becomes more and more at peace. Life passes by so simply as if the drama of before has simply disappeared. She has not experienced this kind of peace in a long time.
“Young Mistress, the meal is ready. Would you like me to notify Young Master and Young Master Cheng?”
The kitchen maid is extremely courteous. Ever since this beautiful mistress has arrived, the once cold and quiet house has become warm and alive. Even though this mistress does not seem to enjoy talking much, she does everything with detail and painstaking care, and she is extremely polite to the help. Not only do all of the servants like her, but even Butler Shen constantly sings her praises.
“I’ll go.” Pause. “It’s still a bit cold right now, so please wait until we get back before moving the dishes to the table.”
“Yes, Young Mistress.”
*******
There is a bite to the spring wind but the sun is out at full blast, adding a touch of warmth to the air and shining down on the two people currently under the tree. Ou Chen is wearing a thick, black sweater and a green knitted scarf around his neck as he sits on a bench, his laptop resting on his knees as he reads over reports. The expression on his face is as serious as if he was in his very office.
Xiao Cheng’s orange sweater is also extremely thick, with a white knitted scarf around his neck and a white wool hat sitting on top of his head; a blanket also covers him, and he looks especially warm in this cold weather. He is deep in thought while reading one of his art books, every now and then looking up with a look of intense concentration. Although his complexion is still a bit pale, the smile on his face is bright.
“It’s time to eat.”
Both men look up at the sound of Xia Mo’s voice, seeing her smiling and walking towards them. Xiao Cheng laughs as he places his book back down, telling his sister that he has so many art books now, he could open up his own bookstore. It’ll take him months to finish all the reading!
“Your brother-in-law was afraid that you’d get bored, and so he purposefully sent people to also buy the international books. Who knew that he’d buy so many at one time? If you’re going to blame someone, blame him then.”
The hand stills on the laptop.
Brother-in-law… This is not the first time that he’s heard her say this to Xiao Cheng and yet every time she does, his heart is always infused with a ray of warmth.
“Is it cold here? Do you need to wear another layer tomorrow? The doctor did say that you both needed to get a lot of fresh air and sunshine right now but you can’t get sick either, so you need to be careful.”
“Sister, you’re dressing me and Brother-in-law like polar bears; how can we get cold? Touch my hand! I’m sweating!”
“If you’re sweating, you need to be even more careful to not get sick!” Xia Mo pulls the blanket up higher on Xiao Cheng and then looks over to Ou Chen, who is currently turning off his computer. “Are you still working on business matters?”
“Just periodically checking it.”
The obvious worry in her eyes brings forth a burst of warmth in Ou Chen’s heart. Ever since the surgery, she has been attentively taking care of him, cooking his favorite food, taking walks with him every day, and even while she has been busy with also taking care of Xiao Cheng, she has not once forgotten him.
Even the scarf… she knitted one for both him and Xiao Cheng at the same time.
Ou Chen unconsciously touches the green scarf around his neck. When she had painstakingly knitted each stitch on that scarf, he had originally thought she was making it for Xiao Cheng, that she will forever only have Xiao Cheng in her heart. And yet she had given it to him.
“Don’t tire yourself out; you need to rest for a period of time before you’re completely better.”
“Okay.”
Ou Chen looks away from her and stands up, closing the laptop in the process. But before he can react, Xia Mo reaches over to grasp the laptop from him, volunteering to carry it for him, looking as if this is a normal thing for any wife to do for her husband.
“You guys, the most important thing to do right now is to eat regularly and rest; any manual labor should be given to me. Don’t forget to eat more at lunch today!”
The table is covered in delicious-smelling food. Most notable is the bowl of soup that is currently giving off a tasty aroma and Xiao Cheng curiously asks his sister what kind of soup that is. While scooping some into a bowl for him, Xia Mo responds that it is pigeon soup; shouldn’t he recognize the taste from when he used to make it for her? However, Xia Mo is dismayed to find out that the soup does not quite have the same taste as Xiao Cheng’s although he nevertheless praises her for the taste as does Ou Chen.
When Xia Mo jokes that the taste difference is probably be due to the fact that it was cooked in a different pot as opposed to the one at her old home, she glances over at Ou Chen, whose gaze has not wavered from her. However, he quickly averts his eyes, avoiding her stare when she places a piece of pigeon meat in his bowl.
“Pigeon soup is really good for healing the surgery wound but you also need to eat more of the meat.”
“Sister, you’re fast becoming a nutritionist!”
“Of course, I’m learning everything about it right now. When I become a professional nutritionist, I’ll be able to take care of both of you.”
“Then… you’re not going back to the entertainment world?”
“Nope.”
“Why not? You once really wanted…”
Ou Chen’s inquiry is quiet while Xiao Cheng just balks.
“Now I just want a family who is well and happy together. Being able to cook you dinner everyday and being able to watch you both get better everyday… that is already the best happiness possible. Nothing in the entertainment world could entice me back now.”
“Sister…”
Xiao Cheng’s eyes redden from the flood of emotions he is feeling and Xia Mo lightly ruffles his hair.
“You better eat; the food’s not as good after it’s cold.”
*******
After lunch, Xiao Cheng returns to his room to rest. Ou Chen goes downstairs, followed closely by Butler Shen with his laptop but then pauses when he walks by the patio.
Xia Mo is sitting in the sunlight, her head lowered as she concentrates on knitting a thick and long, forest-green scarf. With the sunlight surrounding her, the picture she makes is a peaceful one. Until she unconsciously rolls her shoulders back and raises her head, does Ou Chen realize that her attention has already shifted to him.
“You… are knitting another scarf?”
Ou Chen tries to cover his embarrassment at being caught staring openly at her.
“Yes, it’s going to be winter soon. Your and Xiao Cheng’s scarves may be too thin and so I wanted to start knitting another one.”
“You were sick for a long time before the surgery and then have been working this entire time since the surgery… If the scarf isn’t warm enough, we can just buy one. You need to rest more.”
“It’s not tiring at all to knit. But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to rest because I want to make sure I have enough energy to take care of you two.” Xia Mo laughs lightly and then notices that Ou Chen is not wearing a thick sweater that she normally has him wear but instead is now wearing his business wear. “Are you going somewhere?”
“There’s a meeting this afternoon that I need to attend.”
“It’s really windy today, could you wear another layer?” Her gaze falls on the scarf that is currently wrapped around Ou Chen’s neck. Ever since she gave him that dark green scarf, he has nearly worn it everyday. There is a twist of pain in the bottom of her heart; this is perhaps one of the reasons why she is choosing to knit him another scarf first.
“Yes, Young Mistress.”
Butler Shen bows respectfully and immediately goes to search for another jacket.
The two are left alone in the room and Xia Mo studies the scarf in her hands, hesitatingly asking if knitting the same color would be too boring. Ou Chen is momentarily thrown off track.
“What?”
“I was talking about the color of the scarf.” Pause. “I’ll give you one in a different color next year.”
Next year… Ou Chen stills, his gaze intent on Xia Mo. Next year… she’ll still be here?
“Don’t work so hard.”
She takes the jacket from Butler Shen upon his return, helping Ou Chen to put it on and then lightly pokes him in the face. Ou Chen’s entire body freezes and yet she continues to smile lightly as if nothing extraordinary has happened.
“Come home soon.”
*******
Come home soon…
Ou Chen’s mind is elsewhere almost the entire afternoon meeting as it continuously replays her expression as she said those parting words to him.
Come home…
They’ve been home for almost a month since the surgery and Yin Cheng has apparently not mentioned anything about the divorce papers to his sister, while she now essentially sees herself as his wife, perfectly doing everything a wife would do for her husband.
The once-cold Ou mansion has slowly become a warm home.
She personally knits a warm sweater and scarf, tirelessly learning the nutrition information for every meal and painstakingly making every dish compatible with the doctors’ instructions for him and Yin Cheng… laughing and talking with them every night and then ordering them to bed in a timely manner. And when he wakes up in the middle of the night, she is pouring over health books in the office or searching on the computer for health tips.
Just like a wife… Because of her presence, the normally stoic Ou Chen has suddenly become more alive, less cold and no longer alone… Her existence is like a ray of sunshine, enticing him to fly towards her like a butterfly to catch its warmth, even if it’s only for a moment.
Night has already fallen by the time the meeting is let out.
The black limousine is on its way back home, the lights reflecting off the window bouncing off Ou Chen’s face, making him appear even more subdued.
But is this warmth real?
The gentle smile that she wears everyday… does it come from her heart? Ou Chen silently closes his eyes, his fingers grasping at each other a bit nervously. Ever since she was young, she has always had the ability to hide her true feelings. Since the wedding was simply an agreement, how can she be truly happy?
Everything she is doing is probably out of guilt. Because he has lost a kidney, so she feels the need to make it up to him.
“Don’t go home yet.”
He wants to be able to think clearly first before going back to her because all his reasoning and logic always scatters whenever she is near.
*******
The night has gotten darker and darker.
The black limousine passes by an ordinary-looking house and Ou Chen has the driver pull over. The windows of the neighboring homes are alight and the aroma of dinner faintly wafts through the air.
This was where Xia Mo and Xiao Cheng originally lived.
Ou Chen raises his head to look at a specific window which is not lit. In the past, he used to come here often, quietly looking up from his spot to the warm light. Only during that time, Luo Xi was constantly there too, leaving his own lonely figure downstairs.
Now she no longer lives here.
She lives in their home and may currently be making dinner, may currently be waiting for him to return… When he had left today, she had even told him to come home sooner…
His mind a confused pile of warring emotions, Ou Chen laughs bitterly at himself. Perhaps, he does not want to think too clearly so soon…
Pulling out the key that Xia Mo had lent to him when Xiao Cheng had been in the hospital, Ou Chen begins to make his way forward, thinking to bring that old pot back for her. Thinking of how happy she’ll be when sees that old pot again, Ou Chen’s footsteps quicken in pace. In fact, she is probably waiting for him to come home to eat dinner and may worry if he comes home too late.
Suddenly, Ou Chen’s pace comes to a complete halt, his body freezing as if encased in ice!
There is a white BMW sports car parked underneath her window. A lone and thin figure quietly stands next to the car, his head raised up to look at that same darkened window; it seems he has been standing a long, long time already. Underneath the glow of the moon, his complexion appears pale and translucent, but still carries a surprising aura of light.
That person stiffens at the noise of footsteps. He then instinctively swivels his head around and when he catches sight of Ou Chen, his black eyes darken even more. After a long while, he closes his eyes, a mocking smile playing at the corners of his mouth, as if he is laughing at Ou Chen, or as if is actually laughing at himself.
“What are you doing here?”
Ou Chen’s voice is icy cold and carries a bit of threat, like a lion who has returned to his cave only to find something that doesn’t belong there.
“What about you? Shouldn’t you be with…” Luo Xi’s voice trails off as pain flashes across his chest. “Why don’t you just hurry up and disappear from my sight? Or did you come here just to brag?”
Why is he there? Like he can actually tell Ou Chen that since being released from the hospital, he has come here everyday?
“Brag…”
“If it wasn’t for the fact that you just lost a kidney, I would just punch you in the face right now!”
“So you already knew.”
“Yes, I already knew.” Luo Xi’s voice is frigid. “I used to think that even though Young Master Ou Chen was a bit of a totalitarian, at least his ways weren’t underhanded. However, I can’t believe you could be so despicable, actually using a kidney to force her hand in marriage! Aren’t you disgusted by yourself?!”
“And didn’t you use suicide to threaten her? Because she married me, you chose to use suicide, used your own life to force her to carry the cross of punishment. Aren’t you also disgusted by yourself?!”
Both men relentlessly stare each other down, caught in a war like two headstrong lions – only when one dies will it finally all end.
“And you’re wrong. As long as I could be with her, I never cared whether I was despicable and underhanded or not.” Pause. “And now I can tell you, that the day I visited you on set – everything I said to you was a lie.”
“What?”
“Even though she had come to find me, she never promised to any agreement. But yet you still suspected her. You thought that she must have agreed to some nefarious bargain, which is why the filming situation suddenly changed.”
The realization hits Luo Xi hard in the head!
He remembered that Ou Chen had implied that day that the only reason filming had commenced again was because Xia Mo had agreed to some kind of an agreement. And it was because he had then suspected Xia Mo that he became so paranoid, eventually breaking up with her.
“You are truly a bastard!”
The rage in his chest burning uncontrollably, Luo Xi momentarily forgets about Ou Chen’s physical condition and his right fist goes flying towards his face! Ou Chen averts his head so that Luo Xi’s punch only slides harmlessly past his head but Luo Xi’s fingernail ends up leaving a red, ragged line!
“Do you think that using such underhanded tactics to break us up will mean that she will fall for you? Ou Chen, I’m telling you, Xia Mo will not like you! She never did! She doesn’t now! No matter if you force her to marry you!”
“Really…”
Ou Chen’s voice is caught, a cold wind blowing through his chest. He takes a deep breath and and steels himself.
“But I believe, that I am the only one who can give her the most happiness.” Pause. “And all you can give her is only pain.”
“….”
Luo Xi does not want to say anything anymore, a feeling of disgust coursing through his body making it so that he cannot stand to be near Ou Chen for one minute longer!
“You lost your ability to love someone. Since your mother abandoned you, your heart has already long been closed off.”
“You had someone investigate me.”
“Yes. You are extremely paranoid and lack security, and so all it took was a few words from me for you to suspect her and hurt her. What you need is a woman who will forever guard at your side and will always make you feel secure at any time, and Xia Mo is not that kind of person. In her heart, she has many other things that are more important to her than love. Even if you and she had never had that misunderstanding, given the glamor and glitz of the entertainment world, you would have eventually come to doubt her because of your own insecurity and then you would have only hurt her even more.” Pause. “In fact, before the surgery, when she had been in the most pain, except for you suspecting her time after time and then using suicide as your final blow, what else have you given her? Perhaps my tactic was underhanded but at least it gave her that most needed kidney.”
A cold wind blows through the night.
Luo Xi’s clenched fingers slowly loosen from lack of strength, and he realizes that he cannot find anything to say in retaliation! Perhaps, Ou Chen is right about some things. When he had fallen for Ou Chen’s trap and started to suspect her, she had done everything she could to fix the situation and yet he had hurt her again and again, even using the gossip with Shen Qiang to ultimately destroy all her efforts, leaving her to walk out by herself.
At that time, she had been worried about Xiao Cheng’s impending surgery and thus had no chance to tell him… he was the one who pushed her to Ou Chen’s side.
And yet…
“That’s just your excuse… even if I wasn’t the one who appeared at her side and was a different man, a different man who was perfect and simply incomparable, you would have still used the same methods to steal her away, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes, because only I can protect her. Only I can give her the most happiness.”
“Then… is she happy now?”
The wind is cold enough to bite to the bone, the lights in the other houses ablaze with light. Only her house is darkened as Ou Chen stares silently at that window, letting moments and moments pass before finally responding.
“If she is not happy, I will give her the chance to choose differently.”
*******
The night wind is getting colder and colder. Xia Mo finally gathers her knitting, turning off the patio lights before stepping back inside the house. Xiao Cheng has already gone to sleep and the housekeeping staff have long retired to their rooms. She passes by the kitchen and suddenly pauses, her gaze falling on the old pot that is currently sitting on the shelf.
Zhen En had visited this afternoon and so she had requested to have more dishes for dinner, the three people talking and laughing while waiting for Ou Chen to return home. However, Ou Chen never came back and so she had no choice but to have Xiao Cheng and Zhen En eat first. It wasn’t until an hour after Zhen En had left did Ou Chen finally step through the front door, his expression a little out of sorts and serious, saying that he had already eaten that night.
In his hands had been a faded white bowl with a few gold fishes painted on the sides – the very same bowl that she and Xiao Cheng used to use all the time. Was he so late in getting back because he had purposefully gone back to her old house just for this bowl? Her heart is warmed and yet his somber expression prevents her from actually asking him the question.
He walks up to the second floor and the light from his office sprays out into the hallway.
Passing by, she can see Ou Chen sitting behind his desk. The room is only illuminated by a small light sitting on his desk, accompanied by piles of documents. In the dim and weak light, his features appear carved from a sculpture, his lips tight as he stares steadily into open air.
Xia Mo watches him for a long time. She wants to leave and let him have some space to himself. But, there is such a lonely and somber air about him tonight. If she just leaves him like that, will he just sit there all night long? She lightly bites her lip; he just went through surgery and hasn’t completely healed yet.
A little while later.
Xia Mo turns off the stove, placing the midnight snack into a warmer and then after pouring a cup of warm milk, takes everything up with her back to the office.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Ou Chen looks up to see Xia Mo enter with her tray of offerings.
“You’re not working right now, are you? Keep me company while I eat.”
Xia Mo’s voice is light as she places the tray down on the desk and then starts carefully scooping out the red bean dessert soup into a smaller bowl.
“This is red bean dessert. It was my favorite when I was young. Why don’t you try some to see if you like it too?”
“How come you haven’t gone to bed yet?”
“Try it first to see if you like it.”
She suddenly seems like a little kid waiting expectantly for an answer. Ou Chen watches her for a moment. He lowers his head for a taste, and the sweet and delicious taste fills his body with warmth. He actually has not eaten dinner yet, and finally realizes after eating this bite that he actually is a bit hungry.
“I like it.”
“That’s good that you like it. I’m going to have some too as I haven’t had any dinner yet.”
Xia Mo begins scooping her own bowl, a smile breaking out across her face as she starts eating. Ou Chen lowers his spoon.
“Why haven’t you eaten yet? Your health isn’t good and you just had a fever…”
“The fever already happened a long time ago, so you don’t always have to bring it up.” Xia Mo impishly holds up her now empty bowl for him to see. “We still have time to eat and besides, two people eating together is much more exciting. See, I already finished one bowl.”
Ou Chen looks at the polished bowl, his voice hoarse. “Were you waiting for me?”
She stares deep into his eyes, seeing a tiny thread of vulnerable hope quivering in them. She feels her heart twist and purposefully pouts at him, thrusting her bowl at him.
“Yeah, and as punishment for making me wait so long, you have to scoop me another bowl.”
“I’m sorry…”
Ou Chen takes her bowl and begins to fill it, and then seeing the look of happiness on her face as she receives it in return, murmurs his apology. However, he is unable to finish the statement; he does not know whether her happiness is faked or whether it is how she honestly feels. The picture of her feverish and tortured expression flit through his mind; how is it possible that she had been in enough pain to die then but can now be so peaceful and happy?
“Why are you sorry? Because you came home late? No worries, you helped me scoop a bowl already, so you’re forgiven now. And, you also brought me that pot back. I made the red bean dessert with that pot; there’s definitely a familiar taste to it. Thank you for remembering…”
No, he wasn’t talking about that.
“Xia Mo… don’t you hate me? I used my kidney to force you to marry me. Why are you acting like you don’t care, going out of your way to take care of me… Shouldn’t you hate me?”
“Did you forget? I once said, I will be very grateful to you, because you let Xiao Cheng have another chance at life. Besides, I am your wife now. We are a family. Relatives should have mutual love and care for one another. Let the past be in the past; we still have a long road to travel together.”
Xia Mo scoops the last of the dessert into his bowl.
“And even if you’ve already had dinner, you could still be hungry after so much time has passed, so you should eat some more.”
Xia Mo waits until Ou Chen has cleaned out his bowl before returning everything back to the tray, leaving only the cup of warm milk.
“I won’t bother you any more. Remember to not work so late; drinking the milk before you go to bed will help you sleep better.”
Xia Mo stands up to leave, pausing at the door to turn back around one last time to address Ou Chen, laughing lightly before closing the door. “Remember not too late; I’ll come back to check on you.”
The office is quiet. Ou Chen stares at that cup of milk, his fingers unconsciously tightening around the warm glass. The glass is warm, as if emitting the warmth from her.
A family… she and Xiao Cheng will forever be relatives while he has no blood connection to her. The moment that Xiao Cheng hands over those signed divorce papers to her, then he and she will probably no longer be a family…
And then there’s that other person… Can she really forget him… Is her smile for real… If that person appears in front of her again…
*******
Outside the office.
Xia Mo stands right outside the door, her smile slowly slipping away. Has she not done enough and so Ou Chen seems so wary… There was an instant, in which she really did not know what to do and so she had no choice but to run away.
She only wants to have a peaceful life, Xiao Cheng to live healthily afterward, Ou Chen to never be hurt again, and although there is a tinge of pain in her heart, she still hopes to use everything she can to allow these peaceful days to go on forever. But… has she still unwittingly hurt Ou Chen…
*******
It is as if he is aware of her worry.
The Ou Chen who appears in front of her the next day is a completely different person, no longer somber and distant but unusually peaceful and warm. It is as if he has thought everything through, no longer busying himself with work and spending his time going through Xiao Cheng’s drawings, using this time to rest and get better. It his life’s most perfect vacation.
The time goes by day by day as the fall season draws nearer to an end and winter fast approaches. To keep warm, Xia Mo asks the staff to start the fireplace early in the morning, filling the house with heat. Milk the black cat constantly falls asleep in front of the fireplace too.
Xiao Cheng’s face continues to be pale, no matter how many ways Xia Mo thinks of to improve his nutrition, she is not able to help him gain any weight. He feels the same helplessness but seeing the despondent look on Xia Mo’s face, he jokingly says that God must have purposefully made him look this weak so as to get other people’s pity. He actually got better already.
Secretly, he has began to draw again.
At first Xia Mo tried to stop him but then seeing how bored he became, cautioned him to only draw two pictures a day and to not exceed more than one hour at a time.
Xiao Cheng’s excitement overflew.
He drew the sleeping cat, he drew the strict Butler Shen, he drew the last red leaf on the tree, he drew Ou Chen while his head was lowered over an art book and the most he drew was always of his sister.
One morning, Xiao Cheng was drawing Xia Mo as she arranged flowers. The white flowers and the green leaves, her hands carefully arranging each stem into the vase as her slender wrists moved lightly.
“Sister, your wrist…”
Xiao Cheng curiously exclaims, as Ou Chen also raises his head from his position on the sofa. In the morning sunlight, her wrist is smooth like jade, her left wrist delicately encircled by the flowing green silk scarf and knotted with a beautiful butterfly knot.
In front of the pastor, he had used that scarf to replace the wedding ring but then had not seen it again afterward. He had thought, that she must have hidden it away in some place.
“It’s really pretty, isn’t it?”
Xia Mo looks back to that wrist, lightly smiling, as if her wrist being encircled by the scarf is the most natural thing in the world.
That night, Ou Chen does not sleep at all. He stands in front of the window, staring out into the night sky, drinking glass after glass.
His room is only separated from hers by a door.
She peacefully sleeps, her hand carelessly resting on top of her pillow, the beautiful green scarf lying prominently on that white bedding.
*******
The days seem to quietly go by.
With the exception of Zhen En who constantly visits to play, it is as if the Ou mansion is apart from the rest of the world. The time seems to speed by just as it seems to crawl along, and Xiao Cheng comes to realize that Sister and Ou Chen have slowly reached a silent understanding. Although their exchanged words are not frequent, they seem to always know what the other is thinking.
At dinner time, Sister wants to get some salt and Ou Chen has already given it to her. Ou Chen places down the art book and Sister has already placed a glass of water by his side. Just like a couple who has lived together for years, even their smiles have slowly become similar.
If time could go by so peacefully and happily.
One night after eating dinner, Xia Mo is midst pouring milk into the black cat’s bowl when Milk begins to entwine itself around Xia Mo’s legs, meowing happily. Xiao Cheng begins to hurriedly capture her laughter while playing with the cat. Even Ou Chen lightly smiles at seeing the black cat pounce back and forth under Xia Mo’s playful fingers, her green scarf dancing in the air from their antics.
The television is currently on in the living room, no one is paying any mind to what is airing but suddenly Xia Mo’s finger tenses and Milk meows pitifully as if in pain.
“…a few days ago Luo Xi tried to commit suicide and ended up in the hospital on account of Yin Xia Mo’s wedding but his company has repeatedly refuted…”
“…but at this afternoon’s press conference, the rumor of Luo Xi leaving the entertainment world has finally been confirmed. Luo Xi’s agent has said that since starting his career, Luo Xi has been extremely busy and so has decided to rest for a period of time. He will be leaving for America to go back to his studies and will most likely not take on any new contracts for the next three years…”
Xiao Cheng looks uncomfortably at his sister, her back stiffly facing the television. Ou Chen’s previous smile has also slipped away and as he watches Xia Mo, his eyes darken in intensity. Only Milk came bouncing back, climbing back onto Xia Mo before consuming the milk, lick by lick.
“…after the news was released, the reaction of Luo Xi’s fans was severe, as thousands of fans all converged in front of the studio building, begging Luo Xi to not leave –”
Ou Chen turns off the television with the remote. Xia Mo slowly stands up and heads towards the kitchen.
“I’m going to slice some fruit to eat.”
*******
The night is peaceful.
Xia Mo stares motionlessly at the cell phone laying on her bed. She had thought that she was cold enough to forget the name Luo Xi and yet this tiny piece of news is enough to cause all the old memories and remorse to come rushing back at her.
He wants to leave the entertainment world? His career is currently in its highlight right now; doesn’t he know what leaving for three years will do to it?
Unless his leaving the entertainment world is because… because…
Her finger wavers hesitatingly over the phone — and then she pulls back as if suddenly burned by fire!
She… what kind of right does she have to persuade him…
Slowly closing her eyes, her face ashen and transparent… Yes, when it comes to Luo Xi, she is naught but a horrific sinner. She chose to forsake him and so no longer has the right to say anything at all to him.
At this time, the cell phone on her bed slowly begins to vibrate! Her attention suddenly divided, she breaks out in a cold sweat of fear.
Opening her eyes, she looks down at that flashing name –
Luo Xi.
Chapter 11
Perhaps, it was that night that winter suddenly arrived.
After that day, the weather became colder and colder, and Xia Mo decreased the time that Ou Chen and Xiao Cheng could spend outside, only allowing them to take a stroll in the gardens during the late morning hours. She seems to have slowly forgotten the news about Luo Xi until one day, while Zhen En is helping her cook that night’s dinner, she hesitatingly asks Xia Mo whether she has heard about Luo Xi leaving the entertainment world.
Xia Mo momentarily pauses while preparing the fish and then continues with her task. “I heard.”
That night, her cell phone had continuously vibrated, relentlessly flashing the name, “Luo Xi”.
Xia Mo’s body is frozen like a statue. The pain in her heart is so prevalent that it seems like something is repeatedly pounding in her chest; she doesn’t even know what she would say to him if she picked up that call. The pain that she has dealt him cannot be fixed with just a few words. If she picks up the phone and is not able to give him a satisfactory explanation, then wouldn’t that just be another blow? As for her, she already has no right to listen to his voice. She is now Ou Chen’s wife; if she is affected by another man, that is perhaps another kind of pain to Ou Chen.
The phone vibrates for about three minutes before finally silencing, and she quietly sits on the bed, unable to sleep the rest of the night.
“So…” Zhen En looks over at Xia Mo hesitatingly and then continues on at her seemingly unaffected expression. “I hear that he’s flying to America the day after tomorrow and so his company is throwing him a farewell party tomorrow night, and actually… you were sent an invitation, you…”
“Tomorrow night?”
“Yes.”
“I actually have something to do tomorrow night so won’t be able to go. Please take care of the invitation for me.”
“Okay.”
Zhen En glances down at the cooking fish, wondering if she should tell Xia Mo that she has forgotten to add the garlic and ginger to the pot.
*******
The next night after dinner.
The crackling fireplace is burning strongly, filling the the living room with warmth. The house is missing Xia Mo, making it appear a little more empty than usual. Ou Chen is currently sitting on the sofa and after closing the art book, looks over to Xiao Cheng who is sitting across from him. His complexion continues to be a bit sallow, even the fire seemingly unable to bring any color to his face.
Ou Chen furrows his brow.
Although Xiao Cheng’s pallor has not improved, his mood seems to be good, a smile on his face and his eyes bright. While drawing, he would suddenly pause to admire his work and giggle quietly to himself in appreciation and then continue with his drawing.
Ou Chen walks over to Xiao Cheng. “What are you drawing?”
On the drawing pad, Xia Mo is wearing the expression that she had while calling out to him and Xiao Cheng when they were underneath the tree, the golden sunlight spraying down onto the red leaves of the tree. She is holding onto Xiao Cheng while at the same time, laughingly telling Ou Chen something. The smile she is wearing in that drawing is so incredibly bright, beautiful enough so that no one would ever want to look away.
Ou Chen cannot take his eyes away. Has Xia Mo laughed like that before? It seems that since the first day he’s known her, her smile has always been somewhat distant.
“Sister’s really beautiful, isn’t she?”
Xiao Cheng cannot contain his mirth, like a little kid who is bragging about his most prized treasure.
His attention completely focused on the three sunlit people in the drawing, a bright light slowly appears in Ou Chen’s eyes, and he does not register anything that Xiao Cheng says. After a long time, he finally quietly asks.
“Can you give this to me?”
“Okay. But I still have a little more to draw, so I’ll give it to you tomorrow.”
“Thank you.”
When Ou Chen’s gaze finally moves away from that drawing, a sense of disappointment fills his chest. After dinner, Xia Mo had left to go back to the old house to pack some more clothes for Xiao Cheng in preparation of winter. Unconsciously, he has become used to her constant presence at his side, only realizing how lonely he is when she is gone.
“Don’t stay up too late drawing; you should go back to your room to rest after awhile. I’ll be in the office; call me if you need anything.”
“I will.”
Hearing the words that Sister constantly repeats to him coming from Ou Chen’s mouth causes Xiao Cheng to chuckle lightly, and he nods his head in acknowledgement. As he is watching Ou Chen’s departing figure though, he suddenly remembers something and calls out to him. Ou Chen turns back around to look at Xiao Cheng, seeing him pull out a document from within his art supplies – “Divorce Papers”. Ou Chen is dumbstruck.
“You should take these back. It doesn’t really make sense for me to have them.”
“You want me…” Ou Chen struggles to get the words out. “… to give them to Xia Mo myself?”
At last, this day has finally arrived. Just like a beautiful bubble in the air, the bigger it becomes, the more beautiful it is, and just as you begin to pray that this bubble will never be popped, it suddenly disintegrates.
“I don’t know.” Xiao Cheng is brutally honest, having thought long and hard about this since leaving the hospital, not knowing which answer is the right one. “When I found out that the only reason Sister married you was to get me a kidney, I hated you for forcing her, for destroying her happiness. But even though your method was completely wrong, I cannot help but be touched by your feelings for her. Between you and Brother Luo Xi, I don’t know who loves Sister the most and neither do I know who she should be with in order to have the most happiness. But Sister has been very happy these past few weeks and she has a smile on her face everyday. Perhaps if she is with you, she will be happy like this forever.”
Xiao Cheng raises his head to smile radiantly at Ou Chen.
“Brother-in-law… I am very grateful that you have allowed Sister to become happy again and am very glad that you are my brother-in-law.”
*******
After placing some winter clothing of Xiao Cheng’s into a suitcase, Xia Mo also adds a few more of his favorite art books. Xia Mo chuckles a little; Ou Chen seems to have suddenly become entranced with art of late, and has been reading even more than Xiao Cheng. He should be happy too when she brings those over with her.
Lugging the suitcase to the living room, she suddenly stops to take in the mostly emptied house. Having been gone for so long now, the house now almost seems unfamiliar to her. Turning off the lights and looking one last time, she makes her way slowly down the stairs with the suitcase.
It’s actually snowing! Xia Mo walks out and looks up in surprise to see the many little snowflakes falling through the sky. There had been no previous signs of an upcoming snowstorm when she had first arrived here and now everything has been virtually peppered in snow. The whiteness of the landscape causes the night to become more brilliant in light, and setting down the suitcase, Xia Mo reaches out with a hand to capture one of those wayward white flakes. Crystal clear, it instantly melts away in her hand, leaving only a cool feeling behind in her palm.
She stares fixedly. Is this snow sending him off? Right now he should be at his company’s farewell party and tomorrow… tomorrow is the day he will be flying off to America.
She doesn’t know why but on this night before his departure, she realizes that she is unable to stay by Ou Chen’s side like usual, unable to carry a peaceful smile on her face like usual. She only wants to be by herself for a little bit, and so she declined the chauffeur’s offer to accompany her.
Perhaps temporarily leaving the entertainment world will not be a completely bad thing for him. If he doesn’t have to face the media and the public eye everyday, then perhaps he will be happier and more at ease. Perhaps, he will meet a really nice girl who can wholly and completely love him. Her love for him will be as deep as the ocean and he will also fall in love with that girl and then completely forget her.
In that cold and biting wind, Xia Mo looks down at the footsteps that she has left in the snow, silently telling herself that there is no such thing in the world that cannot be forgotten. Even in that imprinted snow, a small wind would be able to erase those footprints.
So, he will forget her.
All she can do now is to not bother him.
Xia Mo is lost deep in concentration as she makes her way across the snow-covered path, and although there seems to be a rushed sound of footsteps behind her, she pays no attention. The snow has become thin and slippery in that one spot though and in her distraction, she loses her footing and finds herself falling backwards!
*******
There is a single light on in the office. Ou Chen’s eyes are dark and intense as he stares fixedly at the divorce papers lying on his desk, a single light of vulnerability flashing in his expression. He suddenly stands straight up and walks over to open the window, letting the wind and the flurries of snow blow into the room.
He had always assumed, that the day Yin Cheng gave those divorce papers to Xia Mo was the day that everything would end. Those divorce papers that he had signed would end everything; she would leave him and all those past memories of happiness would pop like bubbles.
And yet Yin Cheng actually gave them back to him.
It is as if right before a death sentence was about to be carried out, he was suddenly granted a last-minute chance at freedom. Perhaps, he can allow this dream to continue on and never wake up. This thought is enough to drive him to insanity though; he wants to do everything he can in his power to keep this chance, to keep her by his side!
But then, why is there a feeling of unease in his heart…
When he gets his chance at breaking free, does that mean that her own sentence will be lengthened? Has she really been happy these past days or has she just been acting…
The snowflakes lightly dance into the room. Ou Chen clenches his fingers, not letting himself to think about it any longer; perhaps he will consider it more closely after some time has gone by. Just let this dream continue on. In this instant, he really wishes that she was by his side, her warmth and her peaceful smile… Only when she is by his side is his heart able to be at peace.
But why hasn’t she come back yet? When she had left, she had only said that she was going out for some fresh air and was adamant about not needing a chauffeur.
Staring at the white snowflakes falling against the dark night sky, Ou Chen’s heart becomes heavier and heavier. Walking out of the office, he grabs his car keys and strides purposefully out of the house.
Turning on the ignition, Ou Chen’s hands suddenly tense around the steering wheel, his mind flashing on that pale and transparent figure standing underneath her window… Would she have seen…
No, she wouldn’t have!
He should be at his farewell party right now…
*******
A pair of slender hands firmly support Xia Mo’s flailing body!
And at this moment of being supported by those hands, a light goes off in Xia Mo’s head as her vision suddenly goes white and the world around her becomes so quiet that even her breathing stops. Only his scent surrounds her, like the last falling snowflake, cold and transparent and slightly vulnerable…
“It really is you.”
That voice thunders in her head and Xia Mo numbly stares down at the snow-covered ground, her hand clenched tightly around the handle of the suitcase, her only source of strength.
“When I saw you walking out of the house, I had thought I was just imagining it… What are you doing here? Are you coming back…”
The tinge of hope in that voice is like a knife to Xia Mo’s heart, painfully slicing through and she gnaws heavily down on her lip before raising her head to look at him.
“Aren’t you… going to America tomorrow? What are you doing here?”
“I’ve… always been here.”
Xia Mo’s heart freezes.
“Just now, I was asleep in the car when I suddenly just woke up. I saw you coming out of the house and thought that God was giving me a miracle… But then maybe… I was supposed to just sit in the car and watch you leave, that I shouldn’t be chasing after you…”
The snow peacefully continues to fall. Silvery white snowflakes that flutter to and fro, dancing lightly between the two of them.
“I’m sorry; I’m causing you more problems by telling you this.” Luo Xi’s voice carries a twinge of bitterness. “But I’m kind of dumb; if you were coming back, you wouldn’t be leaving with your suitcase.”
Xia Mo is completely stunned, the pounding in her heart causing her unable to utter a single word.
“Why did you come here by yourself; where’s your chauffeur? If you don’t mind, I can take you back; it’s really hard to call a taxi right now.” Luo Xi’s gaze finally moves from her face, and he places a hand on the handle of the suitcase.
“That’s… that’s okay…
Xia Mo unconsciously backs a step but then her voice is caught as she stares down at Luo Xi’s hand on her suitcase. That hand also freezes.
“I’m sorry; my mistake… If I take you back, someone will get angry. I’m… no longer suitable…”
It seems his words have fallen on deaf ears as Xia Mo continues to numbly stare down at his hand, transfixed. He follows the direction of her gaze, to the jarring scar on his wrist that carries a fresh red color. He visibly starts and then hurriedly pulls his sleeve down to cover it.
“I’m sorry; I scared you.”
“Don’t say sorry anymore. The one who should be sorry is me, not you.”
“But, I made a lot of mistakes. I never believed you, regardless of how many times you tried to explain to me, I stubbornly rejected you. I even purposely used the gossip with Shen Qiang to try to get a rise out of you, break up with you and then purposely rub it in at the party…”
He stares at her, both sympathy and pain flaring in his eyes.
“During that time, you must have been in the most pain… Ou Chen used his kidney to blackmail you and yet all I did was relentlessly doubt you…”
“How do you know?!”
“Yes, I know.”
A long moment of terse silence passes before Luo Xi’s eyes lower to the ground.
“When I first found out, I actually hated you for not telling me, for deciding everything yourself. But then, after being here for so many days, I finally thought it through… The me of the past, has no right to blame you, because in your eyes, I was a completely undependable person.”
“Luo Xi…”
“If I had had some patience then, perhaps you wouldn’t have married him… then, you wouldn’t have married him… right…”
The snow falls harder and harder as the night winds pick up speed.
He and she both silently stand and stare at one another, the falling snow rapidly covering their hair. Faraway, they both seem to look like snow people.
“It’s not like that… Even if we hadn’t broken up, I still would have made the same decision. So, it’s not your fault at all, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“…”
Luo Xi suddenly can’t breathe through the pain in his chest, and after a few long seconds, starts laughing crazily.
“Do you have to be so cruel? You can’t even try to lie to me? You have to make it so obvious to me, that you can so easily sacrifice me? Will you only be satisfied when you destroy the last of my dream?”
“Because there’s no longer any point in talking about this; I’m married now. The most important things to me now are Xiao Cheng’s health and… and Ou Chen. Everything doesn’t matter anymore.” Her gaze falls onto the covered scar. “Please don’t hurt yourself again. It will only hurt those who care about you.”
“And you no longer care about me…”
There is a look of blankness in Luo Xi’s eyes as he stares at Xia Mo, as he unconsciously rubs at that scar.
“You blame me for using suicide to threaten you, don’t you?”
She inhales sharply and looks away; the snow is fast turning everything into a whitened world as even the farthest tree has become completely white.
“Life is precious; don’t throw it away on people who don’t deserve it. You’ll find someone in the future who will need your adoration and you’ll come to regret the senseless things you’ve done now.”
“No, I won’t regret it. Even though I was selfish and immature at that time. I wanted you to remember me forever. Even in death, I wanted to have the most important place in your heart… Lying in that tub, all I felt was this incredible lethargy… But, there is something you have to know, at that time I just wanted the pain to go away and it wasn’t because I was using suicide to threaten you… But now, I’m actually really happy that I didn’t die… God has already treated me really well, letting me meet you and giving me so many wonderful and happy memories… If I had just died, that would have been incredibly irresponsible and would have given you a cross to bear that you shouldn’t have had to… I was too immature, so, Xia Mo, I’m sorry…”
“You really are a cruel person too, Luo Xi…” Xia Mo’s smile is bitter. “You should know, that if you hate me, if you never forgive me, I may actually be better off…”
“You caught me,” Luo Xi’s returning smile is in kind, as he lightly brushes the snow off her hair. “Yes, I want you to owe me. I want you to never forget me. You and I are the same, so we use the same cruel ways…”
“So we are not suited to be together. We both do not feel secure and we will only mutually hurt one another.”
“I would change!” Luo Xi’s finger tenses as he lightly plays with a strand of her hair, desperately keeping the smile on his face. “I would practice getting rid of that paranoia and fear. I think I had already found a way, just that, you wouldn’t give me another chance…”
“Luo Xi…”
She bites down on her lip and averts her head away from his finger. Luo Xi’s hand freezes in the middle of the air, his voice hoarse.
“But, will you be happy? That so-called marriage is only an exchange, if you’re not happy, then…”
“I’m really happy.”
“You’re not lying to me this time? Don’t lie to me again, Xia Mo.”
“I’m not lying; I am very happy. These past few days have been extremely peaceful. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that kind of a peaceful living.”
“Peace is happiness?”
“To me it is.”
Her eyes carry a thread of serenity as Luo Xi stares back at her. Actually, he already knew, that regardless of her initial reason for marrying Ou Chen, once she married him, she would do her darnedest to be a good wife to him. Ou Chen is now like family and in her mind, family is much more important than love.
So he knew early on that he had lost.
Not at this moment but the instant she had decided to marry Ou Chen, he had already completely lost.
“Then… did you love me…”
Amidst the fluttering snowflakes, Luo Xi stands motionlessly, his voice barely making it past his constricted throat, his lips white as paper. Xia Mo’s heart pulls and after awhile, finally responds quietly.
“I did.”
The snowflakes dance crazily in the air as her words seem to vibrate throughout the silent snowy night. A light sheen of tears slowly simmers in Luo Xi’s eyes.
“Even if it’s just to comfort me, I’m still really happy.”
These words are enough for him; for the days that no longer have her in them, he will live well. Because she once loved him. Truly loved him.
“Thank you, Xia Mo.”
“Forget me, okay? When you get to America and start a new life, forget me, okay?”
“Is this what you wish for?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then I will forget you.” Pause. “But on one condition.”
“Tell me.”
“Don’t forget me. No matter how much time passes; never forget me.” He stares intently at her, as if carving her face into his memory. “Even if it’s just placing me in a tiny little corner.”
Luo Xi reaches out with both hands to lightly pull her into his warmth. The snow lightly peppers them as they stand together, his arms very lightly enfolding her, as if she is a friend that he may never see again. His voice is also light as he whispers in her ear…
“Xia Mo, I wish you happiness.”
She closes her eyes and raises her arms, lightly returning the hug to a friend.
“I wish you happiness as well, Luo Xi.”
A light from faraway flashes across as a deep blue sports car drives towards them, its headlights temporarily blinding the hugging Luo Xi and Xia Mo. She raises her hand against that piercing light as Luo Xi has already moved her protectively behind him, watching the car slowly pull to a stop.
In that snowy night, there is no way to see the face of the driver but as Xia Mo lightly pushes away from Luo Xi, she already knows who it is.
As the car door opens, the snow seems to have increased in its ferocity as Ou Chen’s hair is instantly covered in white. He is wearing a black jacket with the green scarf around his neck, his footsteps making a distinct crunching noise in the icy snow. His face is completely blank save for the intensity of his eyes.
“Did you get everything?’
“…yes. Ou Chen, Luo Xi and I were just…”
“Then let’s go home.”
Ou Chen lightly brushes the snow off her back before taking his own jacket off to drape over her shoulders. It is like he doesn’t need to listen to her explanation, and he takes her snow-laden suitcase himself before placing his arm around her and guiding her back to the car.
Walking someways, Xia Mo suddenly stops in her tracks, turning her head to look back at Luo Xi. Her voice is as light as a snowflake.
“Farewell.”
But Luo Xi hears.
And Ou Chen also hears. In that moment, Ou Chen’s arm around her shoulders suddenly becomes heavier and yet he says nothing at all, only continuing to walk towards the car.
*******
The blue sports car disappears into the night.
The night landscape has suddenly become so peaceful and quiet, as the light snow continues to flutter through the air – he is the only one left in this world. Just like when she had first left the house, Luo Xi holds out his palm towards the sky and watches as a small snowflake lightly falls into his hand. However, this snowflake does not melt and only quietly lies there like a small pearl of light.
Even a snowflake can be so stubborn…
Luo Xi takes a deep breath and fists his hand, looking at the footprints that she has left in the snow…
The white BMW steadily makes its way down the road and as Luo Xi keeps his attention ahead of him, he turns on the music player and her song fills the car.
“If I beg with tears in my eyes
If I pretend that I don’t know you love her
If I kneel before you and plead
Would you stay for me”
To be able to see her one last time before he leaves… God has already bequeathed him with a precious gift. What else can he do, he was the one who pushed happiness away, he was the one who pushed her to someone else. Any more pleading will only cause her even more pain and he will not longer hurt himself to hurt her.
Then, perhaps all he can do is to leave.
Only, in that moment in which Ou Chen had taken her away, in which she had bid her last farewell to him… that moment caused his world so much pain that it instantly became enshrouded in darkness. The snow noiselessly falls onto the windshield as Luo Xi violently grips the wheel.
From now on, he will never be able to see her again…
Because without him… she will be very happy…
“I can pretend that I don’t know you love her
I can beg with tears in my eyes
If kneeling before you will make you give in
Or is is that even if I die
You still won’t stay with me…”
******
“Ou Chen…”
Following those heavy footsteps into the house, Xia Mo cannot help but call out his name again. On the way home, he had woodenly maneuvered the car without saying a word the entire time.
Acting as if he didn’t hear her, Ou Chen has already silently made his way to the second floor. The hallway has a dim light on, illuminating his shadow onto the carpeted floor, lonely and cold.
“Ou Chen…”
Biting nervously down on her lips, she tries to catch up to him to stop him but he brushes aside her attempts and continues walking. So she reaches out to grab him by the arm, hurriedly explaining.
“Luo Xi and I only coincidentally ran into each other there, it wasn’t on purpose!”
“I know.”
“Then… are you angry?”
“Angry… Do I have the right to be angry?”
Xia Mo is taken aback.
“Being the despicable third-party who broke you and Luo Xi apart, I still have the right to be angry?”
“Why are you saying that! We’re already married, aren’t we? I just happened to run into Luo Xi tonight. If I knew that he was going to be there, I definitely wouldn’t have…”
“Definitely wouldn’t have what?! Definitely wouldn’t have hugged him?!”
Torture evident in his voice, Ou Chen’s voice echoes hollowly in the hallway.
Milk’s “meow” calls out from downstairs, as if complaining about being so rudely awakened. Xia Mo’s heart quickens, worried that her conversation with Ou Chen will wake up Xiao Cheng. For a brief instant she considers giving up talking to Ou Chen; her heart is in shambles right now.
Not having fully recovered from the shock of seeing Luo Xi and now having to deal with Ou Chen’s intensity, a sense of helplessness has now completely surrounded her. In that moment, she just wants to run away, she just wants to bury her mind away like an ostrich would bury its head deep into the sand.
But… she cannot run away.
She cannot destroy the peaceful life that has come by so hard. After already hurting Luo Xi, she cannot also hurt Ou Chen.
“Can we talk about it, please?”
Xia Mo’s hand slides down his arm to grasp his hand. At her touch, Ou Chen’s fingers lightly twitch but she seems to have no reaction, only a sweet wife pulling him towards her bedroom…
******
This is the first time that Ou Chen has set foot in her bedroom. The wedding night had been in a different section of the house and they had then slept separately in a suite that had been divided by a single door. Because that section of the house is too big, they moved here to sleep after being released from the hospital and until tonight, Ou Chen has never come into this room.
Her room is an ocean blue, the wallpaper dotted with small flowers. The bedspread is a light blue, and her nightstand has a vase of white flowers with two picture frames next to it. One picture is of her and Yin Cheng but the other picture is harder to see.
“Luo Xi is leaving for America tomorrow; the hug you saw was just a farewell. I will not see him again.”
Not see Luo Xi again.
This is her explanation, so he shouldn’t mind, right? They’re already married, everything has reached a conclusion, she isn’t the type of person who would continue to have any connection to Luo Xi, so he is the winner, Luo Xi is the loser, why should he still mind so much…
When Yin Cheng had returned the divorce papers back to him, he had been filled with a sudden illusory hope… Perhaps this marriage can continue on, perhaps he can be with her forever. But when he had seen her being embraced by Luo Xi against that snowy night, those deceptive illusions were finally and completely destroyed…
……………………………
Do you think that using such underhanded tactics to break us up will mean that she will fall for you? Ou Chen, I’m telling you, Xia Mo will not like you! She never did! She doesn’t now! No matter if you force her to marry you!
………………………………………….
………………………
“Perhaps, the one you shouldn’t see is me.”
His voice hoarse, Ou Chen stares deep into her eyes. Her expression is peaceful, almost too peaceful, as if she has lost the vitality that her youth should have allowed her to have right now.
“Sometimes I think, perhaps I am too forceful and possessive. If I never existed in your life, would you be happier…”
“No.”
Xia Mo starts, shaking her head.
“If I didn’t meet you when I was eleven years old, Daddy Yin would have lost his career, and Xiao Cheng and I would have been sent back to the orphanage and who knows what family we would have ended up in. If I didn’t meet you five years later, Xiao Cheng wouldn’t have been able to find the right kidney.”
Xia Mo’s voice is warm.
“Ou Chen, if it wasn’t for you, I probably would have been forced into a dead end with nowhere to go. So I am very grateful that fate has allowed me to see you again and again.”
“But… You once hated me enough to want me dead. I forced you again this time, using a kidney to force you into marrying me… you should hate me.”
“That is my fault. If I had done better, if I had been able to convince you six years ago that there was nothing between me and Luo Xi, perhaps all that tragedy wouldn’t have happened, so what right do I have to blame you…”
“…”
“And tonight, even though Luo Xi and I just happened to run into each other and the hug that you saw was just a gesture of farewell, I know that it probably hurt you because you didn’t know the entire story.” Pause. “I want to apologize for tonight; can you… can you forgive me?”
This sudden apology stiffens Ou Chen in surprise!
She didn’t get angry, didn’t get upset over his jealousy and actually so warmly explained herself. This is not something the old her would have done, that calm and yet prideful her.
“You don’t need to apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s always been me…”
“Because I don’t want you to be in pain anymore, and neither do I want us to continue to torment the other. Ou Chen, we are already married, we are a family now. Let’s just let the past be in the past and live a peaceful life from now, okay?”
Can they…
His heart warming, Ou Chen stares deeply at her, her smile is so bright and warm like the ocean under the sun, and he has a sudden desire to reach out and pull her close to him. But although her eyes are peaceful, there seems to be something hidden deep within their recesses, as if it will be forever hidden away.
“Then, are you happy?”
His rough voice echoes in the bedroom. He does not dare to believe and so he finally asked the question, only realizing then by the quickened beating of his heart how much he longs for and yet fears her answer.
“Very happy.”
“Why?”
“Because I have a home, I can be with my family everyday and the days are peaceful and warm. I’m happy that it’s like being in Heaven.”
“And this is enough?”
“Yes.”
“Then marrying me, you still feel happy?”
“Yes.”
Hearing her answer, Ou Chen closes his eyes, unable to articulate what exactly his heart is feeling. There is a sudden rush of warmth, a mild taste of bitterness and the ever-increasing feeling of sour pain.
“Then, if I ask you to do something that you don’t want to do…” Ou Chen opens his eyes, an increasing fire of desire in them as he reaches out to caress her hair and then gently moving to her face. “Will you still be happy?”
Xia Mo’s eyebrows slightly quiver, her body not moving an inch.
“Why don’t you answer me? Is it because you just can’t accept me?”
“No, I can.”
“Then what about this…”
Watching her breath catch, Ou Chen instinctively leans closer to her so that their breaths are only separated by a tiny fraction. Feeling the warm air expel from her lips, that warmth causes his heart to thunder a beat and all his suppressed emotions and feelings for her suddenly come rushing up!
“What about this…”
Slowly, desperately trying to control the thundering fire in his heart, he ever so lightly kisses her. He can sense the surprise in her as she maintains completely still but the moment in which his lips touch hers, she tightly scrunches her eyes shut and they become cold and tense.
“You said you could!”
The rushing fire in his heart extinguished by an icy wave of coldness, Ou Chen’s eyes are bitter and hopeless. That feeling of being in Heaven and then suddenly being thrown into Hell causes him to ruthlessly kiss her!
Like a raging fire, that kiss grows deeper and deeper, and her body shakes slightly under his embrace as he crazily kisses her! Desperately kissing her! As if he is trying to take her into his own body, never letting her go! He wants to take her warmth into his own, he wants her to become him, he wants to become her… Even if they die, even if they turn into ash, they will still be together forever!
“Ou Chen…”
Under that fervent kiss, Xia Mo tries to wake him back up but she is being held so tightly in his steel embrace and as her lips are bruised by his desperate kisses, her struggles are abruptly cut off.
Until she falls onto the bed and he continues to crazily kiss her, his heated kisses turning the air into fire as the ceiling starts to spin, she is unable to push him off. On the bed, he desperately and painfully kisses her, the passion of that kiss far surpassing what she can handle as everything around her becomes a raging fever!
“Ou Chen —”
Her world spinning, confusion and panic causes her to start struggling to fight him off, her brain becoming consumed by waves of blankness. The more intensely he kisses her, the more she is aware of the scalding heat of his body pressed against her! In that struggling, she reaches out and touches a cold object on the nightstand table, thinking to use that to knock him back into his senses! However, he crazily reaches out to catch onto her hand and she loses her grip on it –
That cold object thuds heavily down onto the bed!
Xia Mo slowly gives up her will to fight, realizing that there is no point to it, isn’t there? What right does she have to reject him as this should have already happened on the night of their wedding. He has already given her plenty of time.
And yet Ou Chen has suddenly stopped.
He stares at that object lying on the blue bedspread – it is a picture frame, a picture of him and her. He is wearing a black tuxedo, she is wearing her snow-white wedding gown, standing on the lawn in front of the wedding chapel… He is holding her close to him, his head dipped down to steadily watch her.
She actually –
Placed this picture next to her bed. Ou Chen’s heart turns, as this warmth reverses his cold desperation. At this time, as if waking from a dream, he realizes that he is lying on top of her, her hair mussed and her face ashen…
What is he doing?!
Shock and remorse explode inside his head!
Xia Mo also stares silently at that picture frame, the picture of them as bride and groom; they are married. He is her husband, the person with whom she will spend the rest of her life with, and even prior to this moment, she had repeatedly said that even married to him, she is very happy… She knows that as her husband, he would ask her to do this sort of thing…
Then, how can she hurt him so soon already? Plus he is her husband, she is his wife, on the day that they were married, didn’t she already wholeheartedly accept this?
“I’m sorry…” Xia Mo pulls at Ou Chen’s shoulders, stopping his intent to move away from her, her voice low.
“The one who should be apologizing is me.” There is a hitch in Ou Chen’s voice as he tries to restrain the still simmering fire in his body, pulling her hand off, wanting to leave her body.
“I’m sorry, I just… It happened too fast, I just wasn’t ready yet.” She continues on as if she hasn’t heard him, raising her face up to smile at him, the unease in that light smile completely hidden away. “…I’m ready now.”
“You…”
Ou Chen stares down at her in shock, unable to believe what he has just heard.
Xia Mo doesn’t expand further. She pulls him down, pressing her lips against his own. His lips are cool, but the heat inside them seems to forever burn. Her kiss seems to rekindle this simmering fire, and as she lightly kisses him, slowly, the fire between them begins to burn!
“Do you know what you’re doing…”
Desperately trying to control himself, Ou Chen pulls his face away to look at her, his eyes intense as he stares at her. His mind is in shambles and he is unable to control his mental state. He wants to give her happiness even if it means letting her leave, but then he wants so badly for her to stay, even if it’s only for one night.
“I know…” Her face is rosy, her eyes as fathomless as the ocean.
“I am your wife.”
*******
The snow flurries gently fall outside as the winds swirl against the deep blue night sky. The flakes are crystal clear, and dance beautifully mid-air as the warmth inside the house begins to slowly churn…
******
The aroma of the white flowers gently waft through the air.
She is peacefully sleeping, her long hair splayed carelessly on top of her pillow as her white hands lie nestled on top of her chest. She sleeps like a child, deeply and restfully.
Ou Chen watches her while sitting up against the headboard. His infatuated expression stays on her for a long, long time, his eyes as green and deep as the forest. He wants to touch her ivory white face, wants to help her readjust the blanket cover but then thinking that any such gesture would only disrupt her peaceful world.
Is this all real…
A happiness that seems to seep into his very bones, a feeling like the Heavens… This night, she truly became his wife. There was moment in which he had thought he had reached the highest point of his happiness and would simply fade away… If time had simply stopped in that moment, he would have been happy forever…
But the truth slowly returned to him…
…………………
Do you think that using such underhanded tactics to break us up will mean that she will fall for you? Ou Chen, I’m telling you, Xia Mo will not like you! She never did! She doesn’t now! No matter if you force her to marry you!
………………………..
…………….
He had once thought, that just as long as he could keep her at his side, tie her completely to him, he wouldn’t care what methods he had to use in order to accomplish it. Since he was younger and then meeting her again five years later, he had always been like this. He believed that only he could give her happiness, only he could make her happy, so when he was eliminating every single obstacle that was stopping him from being with her, he never once hesitated.
Then when did it start to happen, that he slowly began to have his doubts? When Luo Xi tried to commit suicide, when Xiao Cheng refused the kidney surgery, she had ran a fever for so many days and then fell unconscious… Then did he know, that his forceful nature could cause her to be in so much pain, could even cause her death…
…………….
Then… is she happy now?
……………………………..
Is she happy now…
In the dark, Ou Chen watches the deeply sleeping her, her white hands clasped on top of her chest. Her sleep seems fitful as she writhes around like a little shrimp and wrapped around her wrist, that long, green and slightly faded silk scarf.
………………
In the moonlight, he takes out a box, nestled within it a green silk scarf. It is long and beautifully knitted, and with a soft blow of the wind, flutters a light dance in the air.
“From now on, wear this everyday.”
“Why?”
“Only wear your hair down in front of me.”
Silently taking the scarf from her, he gently ties her hair back.
………………….
……….
He’s always been that possessive of her, because he hadn’t wanted anyone else to see her with her long hair down, and so he ordered her to tie it back. Watching her slight twitches in her dream sleep, Ou Chen’s heart becomes heavier and heavier. He had thought that he could give her happiness but can he really give her that? What right does he have to force her?
When a person has lost her very freedom to choose, how can she be truly happy? Such simple logic – does he realize it now because he has finally thought it through or because he is running away?
The snow quietly falls outside.
She flinches in her sleep, causing her wrist to follow suit. Leaning over her and careful to not make a sound, Ou Chen softly unties the scarf from her wrist and pulls it free before placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
He… is hers.
And she… is free.
*******
The morning sunlight splashes through the window onto Xia Mo’s face.
She gets up and momentarily pauses, the soreness in her body reminding her that last night had not been a dream.
Ou Chen has already left, leaving her in the room by herself.
After dressing, Xia Mo walks over to pull open the window blinds. The snow has finally stopped and the outside world is completely blanketed in white and the air is clear. She breathes deeply as a bright smile lights up her face, feeling a peace that she has never felt before.
As she is preparing to leave to start preparing breakfast for Xiao Cheng and Ou Chen, she notices something on her nightstand table that gives her pause. Curiously, she walks over, clearly remembering that there had been no documents on the table last night; perhaps it is something that Ou Chen has left for her.
As she picks them up, the words “Divorce Papers” piercingly reflect back at her under the sunlight! Xia Mo stands there completely numbed. She feels nothing in that brief moment and after a long time, looks down at her wrist to see that her green scarf is no longer there.
Ou Chen…
Clutching those documents, she blinks rapidly a few times before rushing out of the bedroom, running out to the hallway and down to the first floor!
She must find Ou Chen! She knows him too well, she knows what he’s thinking… she will make him realize, that last night wasn’t just an act of impulsiveness.
“Young Master Cheng! Young Master Cheng!!”
Suddenly, the cries of one of the housekeeping members causes even more panic in Xia Mo as she rushes toward the source of those cries, only seeing the art supplies scattered on the ground as a pale Xiao Cheng sits unconscious in his chair!
Dienstag, 10. August 2010
泡沫之夏 - Summer’s Desire (the novel) - Volume 3.2
Eingestellt von Unknown um 05:13
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